Futile Hurling

  Present:

• Cody Dieback. Human Male Wizard from Highport – Andrew
• Jack "Blocker" Jones. Human Male Temple Fighter of Aquamarina from Porn City – Jamie
• Tom Eade. Human Male Fighter from Porn City – Jeff
• Grim Hand. Human Male Rogue from Porn City – Jason
• Esmeralda "Ezme" Abernathy. Human Female Temple Fighter of Soixante Neuf from Scabport – Shane
• Ardern. Human Female Priestess of Mr Quail from Porn City – Kevin
• MARMALADING Rock Hammer. Human Male Barbarian from Central Plains – Steven
• Willow Woods. Half-elf Male Caribou Gorn Priest from Porn City - Chris
• Kippy Hunt. Human Male Barbarian of the Central Plains – Ian
• Munch Ease. Human Male Thief from Porn City – Darryl

 

by Andrew

Recap

Porn City dilletante and sybarite, Viscount Vincent Thoak, had recently met a horrible death when he had taken possession of a powerful magical cursed spear-head. An adventurer named Magnus had delivered the spear-head to him. 

Vincent's diary stated "I met this Magnus person. He had a gift for me. And he said it was a gift from Igor." Vincent had mining interests in a gold mine in Morganmine, a week's travel out of Porn City.  Igor was the mine manager of said mine. 

Magnus was now dead, at the party's hand. 

The group had travelled to Morganmine and had questioned Igor, best they could: "I don't know who this bloke Magnus is, and I aint never not given him no spear, notwithstanding."

Igor had no connection to the Barbarian lands.

Also, the group was pretty sure that Magnus's travel from the Barbarian plains to Porn City did not go via Morganmine; he went via the tunnels and the Teleport

.

Magnus had said he was employed by the TG to give the spear to Vincent, but the party found no evidence to indicate that; Munch had visited the TG too, with no threads there.

Magnus had some Sancho money in his pockets.

Vincent had some Barbarian money in his hoard.

Morganmine

The party staked out Igor's house to spot comings and goings. Munch was chosen because he had soft hands, which nicely fitted in with Igor's paraphilia for young soft-handed boys.

The cursed dagger

That evening, (after an uneventful day for Munch) Oswald, powerful gnome raconteur,  entered the inn, the Iron Banjo inn where most of the party was staying. He was holding a dagger.

"That looks like mine!" exclaimed Munch.

"Yes, it is yours," said Oswald. "I found it. I am a 'surgeon'. I 'fix' problems. But it is cursed."

"No," protested Munch. "It is mine."

"No, the first person who had it, has it."

"Well, Munch was the first person to have it after the previous owners died," said Tom.

"No, I do not think that is true," said Oswald. "Grim, YOU are the cursed child. You had it before Munch."

So the dagger ended up back with Grim. There was some unknown curse on it.

[ This removed a treasure lash for Darryl. We run a socialist economy for treasure distribution, out-of-game. Jason did not get a lash, because the item was cursed. ]

The next day, Munch and Grim followed Igor all day. The only notable thing that happed was that Igor's man-servant Pedro took Igor's Zibrost-bull-mastiff Chuckles for a walk.

So, the next day, during Pedro's walk, Munch picked the lock to Igor's house, then Grim and Cody sneaked inside [Why does a wizard go with the sneakers? Well, Cody has the Shadow talent (Bonus roll for Sneak), so is surprisingly quiet]. In Igor's office, they found a silver dagger and five potions. All of these glowed under Cody's Detect Magic. So the three swiped the items. Then they rummaged through Igor's papers, finding nothing significant. (Cody can read too, a feat that neither Munch nor Grim can do). They left just before Pedro and Chuckles arrived home.

As soon as Pedro got home, he left rapidly, and rushed off to the mine office. Igor came rushing home.

"We were careful not to disturb anything. Maybe it was my belly burp miasma," observed Cody. "Or greasy handprints on the desk we searched. I was missing a hydatids cyst. Maybe Pedro found that. My ones are sentient."

Later, Oswald caught up to us:  "Igor is upset and in a foul mood. Someone broke into his house. To quote him 'They left all sorts of vermin, and a horrible rancid smell of diarrhetic flatulence. I knows someone of that smell, but I can't put a face to him. That person is very lucky'."

On the road

Having exhausted Morganmine enquiries and now worried about Igor's new-found diligence, the group decided to leave Morganmine.

To act less suspicious, half the group left the next morning: Cody, Jack, Munch, Esme, Grim, Ardern. The rest (Tom, Kippy, Rock, and fat Willow) to follow the day after that.

The first group stayed at the first way-station between Morganmine and Littleton, the Emerald Carrot,

for a couple of days.

While they were there, Cody divined what the five stolen potions were: Healing [2d4+2], and he cast an Identify spell on the dagger: ignore armour. Cauterizes wounds.

Porn City Militia

When the second group arrived, they left for Porn city, via the other three way-stations, then Littleton, Bigton, and Swag. An uneventful trip.

Between Swag and Porn City, they met a group of Porn City militia. These soldiers were searching for two escaped black slaves. No reward. "Except for the pleasure of watching them being eviscerated."

Back in Porn City

That evening, they all arrived at Porn City. At the Flabbergasted Radish there was a message for Cody: "Report to the Wizards' Guild ASAP."

Cody scurried off while the rest of the group found new digs in the Immature Buffoon.

Thespian summoned Cody to his office. 

"You guys stole gold," snapped Thespian. "Thoak gold."

Cody blinked. "No sir. We reported that there was 9000gp left in Vincent's treasury, and assumed your auditors, lackeys and your cleaners would collect it all."

"Not it wasn't, It was you."

"No, sir. We are poor but honest adventurers who ..." 

"Don't lie to me, you horrid little worm."

Thespian gave Cody two gold coins. They looked the same from a distance, but up close you could see minting differences.

"Oh," said Cody, deflated. But Thespian wasn't particularly angry.

 

"You can keep them," said Thespian. "Keep everything you stole. But know that I am watching you."

"Well, I vouch for my group that they are totally loyal to your cause, sir. We just came back from Morganmine. It was wild goose chase, sir."

"Do you know who killed Vincent?" snapped Thespian.

"No sir. Not yet sir."

"Then get out of my sight."

Back at the Immature Buffoon, Cody told the group.

"It's all bollocks!' claimed Munch. "No way can they identify those coins."

But looking close and the coins were, indeed, slightly different.

Constance and the Pit Fights

Munch went back to the Porn City Thieves' Guild. The Venning family ran it, so they knew all comings and goings. 

Jack went and dumped huge piles of  Thoak coins to his mates at the docks. This put him back into good standing with all the Jacks there, and regained some of the bad-mouthing that the Jacks had begun.

Grim did some research for other family members of the the deceased Viscount Vincent Thoak. He had two sisters: Alina and Constance, both in their twenties. Alina Thoak was a home girl and debutante. Constance Thoak was a tom-boy pit fighter. And she had a platonic friend called Dimitri Malbec who acted as her trainer and confidant. 

Constance Thoak

The party all went to the pit fights that evening. Spandex, Vincent's friend from the boarding house, was fighting. Cody put a 100gp bet on Spandex, but the odds were not good - he got 105gp, a tidy sum of 5gp winnings. Spandex wiped the floor with the other fighters.

Constance was also fighting, but in the girlie heavy-weight division. She won a lot too. Unlike pretty boy Spandex, she was none too pretty.

At the pit fight, Grim attempted to get a signature of Constance, to get close to her. This loathsome ploy worked a treat, and then he tried to seduce her.

"Meet me at the Manacle and Whip ," she sighed breathlessly. "In four hours. Someone rolled a 1."

We returned to Immature Buffoon to plot.

Grim's hot date

Munch trailed Grim to the Manacle and Whip, to keep a weather-eye on him.

Grim revealed all; he opened his kimono and told Constance that his group has been employed by the Wizard Guild to investigate the death of her brother Vincent.

"I am looking who would make this kind of attack on your family."

"Lots of people did not like Vincent.," said Constance. "We didn't even like Vincent."

"Why is that?"

"He bats for the other side."

"But this is Porn City!" exclaimed Grim. "You guys should be into all things ... into all types of batting: cover-drives, hook shots, late-cuts to the third man, and reverse sweeps over 4th slip. And even with different types of bats." 

"I know," she observed with a wry smile. "How ironic is that?

Freud's First Slip

But why would hurting, murdering, Vincent hurt us? We didn't like him any way. Dad had disowned him 'No son of mine is gonna high-cut over first slip - even if it's a Freudian one.'"

"Is there anyone you can think of who would benefit from the murder of Vincent?" asked Grim.

"No," said Constance. "I don't actually care. However, since you're a pretty boy ['Pretty' is not a adjective one would associate with Grim, but maybe he's good with his hands]. I can get you an audience with my father.

In four days. Sir Orrin Thoak - a retired mage."

More WG shenanigans

Cody returned to the Wizards Guild and got another audience with Thespian.

Cody asks the if they have Identified the spear-head. The weary Thespian reluctantly admitted that they had not. As it was a cursed item, such items are far too dangerous to dare identify.

Cody then pointed out that the spear was not a very good murder weapon. You can not guarantee it will kill the holder. For example, Magnus had held it many days, and it wasn't what killed him. Plus Cody had held it too.

Maybe these deaths were just side-effects of holding it.

As usual, Thespian was very rude and unhelpful. 

The conclusion was that Vincent was totally innocent in this. Maybe his death was a side-effect rather than being intentional, batting for the wrong team, or not.

Dronk and Spandex

Munch approached Dronk and Spandex, Magnus's companions staying at the Hermitage boarding house, and managed to lure them out.

The party, all masked and hooded, took on the two friends in a blind alley. They both succumbed to Sleep and Command spells without any blood or violence. Then they got manacled, separated and the group questioned them.

Spandex did not know much about the Spear of Destiny, but said that Curtis Dronk had arranged that job with Magnus.

Dronk was a lot more forthcoming: 

"I got told to pay Magnus," he whimpered "By a guy called Otto in Letchtown."

The group finished with: "If you say a word to Otto, we'll come back and get you."

"I don't care about Otto."

The party felt generous, rather than churlish, and the two wretches had not seen anyone's face, so rather than getting cement shoes, they were rewarded with 100gp each.

Letchtown was a day away from Porn City towards Highport.

Letchtown ho!

They tried to make me go to Letchtown, but I said, "No, no, no"

Yes, I've been black, but when I come back, you'll know, know, know

I ain't got the time and if my SPandex thinks I'm fine

They tried to make me go to Letchtown, but I won't go, go, go                                             -- Curtis Dronk

 

There be Gold in them thar hills!

 Present:

• Cody Dieback. Human Male Wizard from Highport – Andrew
• Jack "Blocker" Jones. Human Male Temple Fighter of Aquamarina from Porn City – Jamie
• Tom Eade. Human Male Fighter from Porn City – Jeff
• Grim Hand. Human Male Rogue from Porn City – Jason
• Esmeralda "Ezme" Abernathy. Human Female Temple Fighter of Soixante Neuf from Scabport – Shane
• MARMALADING Ardern. Human Female Priestess of Mr Quail from Porn City – Kevin
• MARMALADING Rock Hammer. Human Male Barbarian from Central Plains – Steven
• Willow Woods. Half-elf Male Caribou Gorn Priest from Porn City - Chris
• Kippy Hunt. Human Male Barbarian of the Central Plains – Ian
• Munch Ease. Human Male Thief from Porn City – Darryl

 by Jeff

Dead. They were all dead. The farmer, his children, his wife, and his killers!

The party had happened upon a group of brigands shortly after their attack on a farm and attempted to intervene. Unfortunately for the farm's resident family, the party were too late but did manage to kill all the brigands. There were no survivors.

The bodies were dragged out from the farmhouse and sorted.

The brigands went into one heap, to be looted, beheaded, and unceremoniously burnt, with the heads mounted on stakes along the driveway, as a message to any others thinking to raid unprotected farmers.

"Justice has been served!" stated Ezme.

The farmer's family were laid gently aside, in preparation for an appropriate ceremony and "burial".

Super Fosfait

"They be followers of Super Fosfait" noted Willow, after spotting the farmer's golden sheaf of wheat necklace. 

"Best give them back to the earth then, to continue the Glorious Cycle" declared Cody.

So, they were buried in the large compost heap around the back of the farmhouse. Willow said a few words, and a few tears were shed. Just a few mind.

Then the party headed back inside the house, to secure valuables and spend the night.

No magical items were detected, but Cody did locate a copy of a property title that listed Mr Wilder, Farmer, as a 50% shareholder in the Sultry Broccoli, one of the two Inns in Littleton. Littleton was just a little further down the coast and we would be passing through there on the next day's travel. We had expected to arrive in Littleton that night but dealing to the raiding brigands had delayed us somewhat, so we would be passing through the next morning and turning inland towards Morganmine itself.

The trip to Morganmine

Morganmine was a small mining town established centrally between a handful of rich mines up in the Spine Mountains, about four days travel up the Morgan river from Littleton. This was our destination.

We wanted to question the mine manager of one of the mines there, Klib mine. 

Klib mine was owned by the late Viscount Vincent de Thoak, and we were investigating his death.

"Find out who killed Vincent, and why!" were our instructions from Thespian, our newly appointed patron from the Porn City Wizard's Guild. Newly appointed due to the sudden death of Ania, the previous patron, who had inexplicably died with the same symptoms as Vincent, after receiving the magical spearhead, from our very own hands!

Apparently, this magical spearhead, the supposed murder weapon, had been given to Vincent as "a gift from Igor".

And the only Igor we could find with any association with Vincent, was the mine manager of Kilb mine at Morganmine.

So off we had set. 

And now onward we continued.

Of course, the day was overcast, with the familiar damp drizzle so common around the Porn Plains.

But it was only an hour later that we trudged into Littleton.

Ezme headed straight to the Militia Guard office to report the raid and the deaths of the Wilders.

They told her not to leave town until they had been to investigate, so we hired rooms in the Sultry Broccoli (of course) and settled in for the day and night. The place was pretty quiet, until later in the day when it started to full up with noisy farmers, merchants, and riffraff. All in all, it was an uneventful day followed by an uneventful night. 

Kippy got drunk, Munch got into arguments, Cody was shunned, and Ezme was drooled over. Same same!

The next day we were given the all clear by the militia, and we set of for Morganmine. 

The first day was through the low plains and farmlands alongside the river.

There was a reasonable quantity of traffic on the road, in both directions. 

Ezme couldn't ride on the cart due to her travel sickness, so she walked.

We were travelling at quite a slow pace, but the waystations were spaced for a walking pace, and we anticipated arriving at the waystation just before dark. About an hour before dark, Munch suddenly stopped.

"Where is me dagger?" he yelled.

He dropped to the ground and hunted through his backpack, tossing stuff everywhere.

"I only just got it" he grumbled, "and now it's lost?"

"When did you have it last?" asked Cody sensibly.

"I definitely had it this morning" Munch replied, his face screwed up in concentration.

"Yes", he continued, "I had it just after breakfast and before we left the Sultry Broccoli."

"So then", suggested Cody, "sometime today on the road then."

Willow volunteered to turn into a sharp-eyed eagle and scout back along the road a way, which Munch gratefully accepted. But Willow didn't see any daggers on the road, or any suspicious activity on the road behind us either.

After arriving at the waystation, a glorified camping ground, Cody cast a Detect Magic to see if the dagger had somehow got hidden anywhere in the party gear. But no, nothing. [This was Darryl's newly obtained magic dagger of Armour Avoidance and so was a pretty valuable item]

The night passed very peaceably, our camp just one among a bunch of other travellers. The next morning we set off on the second day of four in the journey up to Morganmine. The terrain was starting to climb a little now, the plains alongside the river tipping upward into gentle rolling hills, still covered with farms and occasional hamlets. The river had changed from its previous wide and slow flowing form to something with a little more current.

About three hours into the days trip, Kippy, who was in out front of the party on point, spotted a wagon tipped down on its side a little way ahead. There were two attractive women staring dismally at the wagon, which had lost one of its wheels and had ploughed down into the road.

Kippy, with a lecherous grin and a wink, offered his "assistance". [Kippy has the character Fault of being a Lecher, he just can't help himself, and despite his ridiculously low APP(earance) requisite of just 8, always seems to think that every woman should just fall at his feet, and "suck me baby" as he puts it. It never works of course]

Kippy's skirmish

And it didn't work today either. In fact, he made an ass of himself as usual, antagonized both the women, triggered a skirmish with them, and took a stab wound in the side from one of the women. Fortunately, Willow managed to calm the situation, despite Cody attempting (and failing) to cast a Sleep spell on the woman, which triggered her companion to send a throwing dagger flying through the air and into Cody's chest (dealing six points of damage). 

It could have gone extremely wrong, but Tom yelled at everyone to "STOP, calm the f-down" in his extremely Intimidating way, and everyone did! 

[Jeff rolled a critical success on his Intimidate skill]

Jack also kicked Kippy in the groin, which cooled his ardour a little!

Tom and Jack lent their "muscle" to lift the wagon, while Willow slipped the wheel back in place and secured with his amazing wainwright skills [Chris's Build/Repair skill is 14, pretty much a natural!]

The women hurried off ahead of us.

"Don't think this is over" one yelled back, "Our dad is in the Town Guard"

At the next waystation, we spotted the women's wagon again, and the women, hanging around a couple of guards there. We kept our distance. Except for Munch, who marched up to the guards and reported that someone had stolen a very valuable item from him.

"Tell someone who cares" they scoffed.

Kippy was still nursing a sore groin, so he was happy to leave the women be. 

We posted watches overnight of course, but the night passed peacefully.

Oswald the gnome

The next day we saw a very short figure ahead of us, marching resolutely along the side of the road, a large and floppy hat pulled down low over its head. Other travellers were keeping their distance, swerving around and passing. As we got closer, we discovered it was a male gnome. Gnomes are not very common in the Porn Plains area; most people despise them. Even Grim, our very own intolerant racist, hated gnomes and would harass them at every opportunity. 

Cody, however, is always friendly to others. He stepped up and conversed with the Gnome. It turned out that this was Oswald, "The Surgeon", a relatively well-known character in the regions hereabouts. He rambled on to Cody for some time and even asked for a ride on the wagon. He complained that his short legs meant that he has to take twice as many steps as everyone else to get anywhere. Cody of course offered Oswald a ride.

Grim muttered rudely and jumped off the wagon, joining Ezme at the rear.

Turns out that Oswald was named The Surgeon because he was the ultimate "fixer". If you had a problem, Oswald would fix it for you. 

"Ha" Cody chuckled, "Bet you can't fix this" as he flicked a few ticks off his head.

Oswald looked Cody over, gave a wave of his hand, and suddenly every flea, lice, tick, and worm leapt from Cody's body and was left in the dust of the road.

"Won't last of course" noted Oswald at Cody's stunned expression, "But you're welcome"

"Do you know of Igor then?" asked Cody.

"Of course, he's a pit crew boss up in the Klib Mine" Oswald replied.

"He's a bit of a Potato Queen" noted Oswald, "He's tough, but fair though"

"The Klib is a gold mine" he noted, "There be gold in them thar hills!"

Oswald rambled on continuously as we made our way to the next waystation

Arriving at the waystation that evening, Kippy pointed out that the two women and their wagon was also camped up there for the night. "Maybe I'll go and say hello" he leered.

"Those two are trouble" noted Oswald, "Elima and Mila Ulricsdotter, the daughters of the Morganmine town leader, Ulric. Don't be fooled by their good looks and apparent sweet nature. Definitely trouble, they would cut you up rather than kiss you!"

Kippy decided to leave them alone, but did kept glancing over in their direction, and drooling.

That night was another quiet one, and the next day we continued on. 

Oswald rode on the wagon with us again. Grim walked behind with Ezme again.

With another wave of his hand, Oswald cleared off Cody's fleas, lice's, ticks, and worms again.

Oswald kept up a constant running monologue for most of the day, with the odd input from both Cody and Willow. Willow seemed to hit it off reasonably well with Oswald, likely because they are both non-human; Willow being of half-elven extraction.

We rolled into Morganmine just before night and took rooms at the Iron Banjo. Willow wasn't impressed with any of the four Inn's and gratefully accepted Oswald's offer to stay with him at his place. Yes, Oswald has his own place in Morganmine! 

There must be a lot that needs "fixing" up here, I guess.

Once at Oswald's house, Willow did notice however, that Oswald had a Holy Symbol of Leprous By-Blow which worried him somewhat.

"Isn't Leprous kind of Evil?" Willow asked Oswald.

"That's just a misunderstanding" Oswald replied,
"My god only inflicts on those whom deserve it"

"Oh" muttered Willow hesitatingly, "I guess that's ... OK then"

Willow's sleep that night was rather restless and he jerked awake a few times with uneasy feelings. 

But morning eventually dawned and he was fine.

After settling in, the investigations began.

Cody sidled up to the barkeep and opened his mouth to inquire about Igor.

"F' off you ugly twerk" the barkeep instructed.

Kippy approached a random woman on the street and asked about the mines and the mine crews. He got some good intel, including a comment about Ulric. Remember him?

"Ulric rules here with a heavy fist, so don't get on his bad side!"

"Oh" muttered Kippy, deciding that a trip to Flora's, the only brothel in town, was now required.

Munch headed off to talk to Ulric about possible work.

"No, F' off" Ulric barked.

So, Munch then tried the Klib mine office where he actually spoke to Igor and got himself hired as an assistant kitchenhand in the mine office kitchen/mess hall.

Jack parked himself in the bar and gossiped with all the drinkers, mostly miners, singling out those that worked in the Klib mine. He got a recommendation from Robbo who said there was plenty of work opportunities in the Klib mine. 

"But" Robbo added, "Don't get a job in the kitchens. The boss is a real prick!"

Willow offered his services to Igor as a general repairer of broken and damaged things and was hired immediately. 

Cody also offered his services but was declined.

"F' off you ugly bastard" shouted Igor.

"Well" responded Cody, "F you too you fat cunt"

Whereupon Cody was chased from the premises by Igor and his giant club.

Willow later told Cody that the previous cleric who worked for Igor had been killed, after Igor lost his temper with him and "accidentally" hit him with his club.

Munch started on his kitchen duties shift, but very soon determined that Igor swung the other way and decided that "his lovely soft and soapy dish washing hands" weren't going anywhere near Igor and never returned after going out for a smoke break.

Setting up in a nearby hide, Munch staked out the mine office and planned to follow Igor back to his house once his working day had finished. This proved to be a successful plan, and when Igor, accompanied by a young lad who had also been working in the kitchens that morning, left the office just after nightfall, Munch trailed them through the town to an old ramshackle house. Someone swung the door open from the inside when Igor approached, and a large wolfhound bounded happily out and rubbed against Igor's legs. Igor gave him a pat and they all went back inside. "Damn" thought Munch, "A frigging dog thing"

Reporting back to the party, Munch described the location of Igor's house, and it was decided that a watch would be maintained over it for the next day or so. Kippy and Munch were assigned that duty, and they took turns watching Igor's place. They spotted a petite wiry fellow who took the wolfhound out for regular walks around the town, taking about a half hour. This occurred a couple of times, and it was planned that Cody would slip into the house and search it thoroughly the next time the dog was out on its walk.

Cody the un-stealthy

A few hours later, Pedro Gilmore (that was the fellow's name apparently) and the dog left the house. Cody was sent forward; Kippy and Munch keeping a look out. As Cody slipped around towards the back of the house a shout rang out. "OY. What are you doing there?" yelled some rando who just happened to be walking past.

[Andrew failed his Stealth roll, so instead of slipping from shadow to shadow unobtrusively, Cody blundered through the garden in plain sight of the road. Loser!]

Cody rushed off towards the rear of the house and ducked down behind a bush. The rando followed. "OY, I see you, get out of there" he yelled.

[Andrew also failed his Hide spell roll, so was crouched in plain sight behind a thin shrub]

Noting that things were not going to plan, Cody cast a Sleep spell at his pursuer, who immediately dropped to the dirt in the garden. [Finally, a successful roll]

Kippy, who had spotted all the action, slipped out from his hide and rushed over. Cody and Kippy looked at each over over the sleeping body, Kippy raised an eyebrow, Cody shrugged, and the unlucky stranger received the knife. Life is cheap in the mountains!

They dragged the body away from the house and were lucky enough to find a secluded spot nearby where they could hide the body. Munch cleaned up the blood trail.

The plan had failed, Igor's house was not searched, and Pedro and the wolfhound returned.

Everyone returned to the Iron Banjo to regroup.

Ezme received a note from Oswald. "Come to my home. Alone!"

Ezme went. Tom and Kippy followed close behind and hung around a little distance off.

Ezme timidly knocked on Oswald's door.

The door swung open.

In she went.

Oswald ushered Ezme over to a large dining table, set for two, and served up dinner.

Oswald kept up a constant monologue as they dined. 

Ezme filed away a few notable snippets of conversation to review with the party later, assuming she got out safely. These included:

"I have solved Cody's current little problem"

"He should be friendly, and if I should ask him something, he should do what I ask"

"Igor is the most racist man alive"

"I've been hired to fix Igor, but don't you worry about that" 

"That Pedro is Igor's latest little "bitch""

Ezme did get out safely, after the dinner.

She reported to the party on all Oswald's comments.

Kippy, Tom, Ezme, and Jack decided to front to Igor directly and explain the situation.

That happened the next day, they met with Igor in the mine office and informed him that his employer Vincent has passed away in suspicious circumstances. That they were here investigating his death on behalf of the Wizard's Guild, and that he, Igor, had been implicated as sending the murder weapon as a "gift".

"I don't give no gift to Vincent" Igor declared.

"Someone must be framing me" he mused.

"I still had a soft spot for Vincent" Igor declared, "Even though he had moved on with that black bastard Sebastian. I totally hate him"

Igor also had a bit of a rant about Oswald when asked about him, calling him a "fixer" who was protected on high. He also declared "I hate Barbarians" when asked if he had any dealings with them. 

The conclusion of this interview was than Igor didn't appear to have the smarts to plan and execute the obviously complicated murder plan leading to Vincent's death. He didn't have any motive; he wouldn't get any ownership of the gold mine, and he seemed happy enough throwing his weight around in his current role.

"So, what next?" Cody wondered.

"Who hired Oswald to "fix" Igor" mused Willow, "And why?"

"What about Dronk and Spandex, Magnus Digby's two friends back in Porn City?" asked Tom.

"Perhaps they knew who hired Magnus to retrieve the Spear from the Barbarian Plains."

Black Tongues all around

 Present:

• Cody Dieback. Human Male Wizard from Highport – Andrew
• Jack "Blocker" Jones. Human Male Temple Fighter of Aquamarina from Porn City – Jamie
• Tom Eade. Human Male Fighter from Porn City – Jeff
• Grim Hand. Human Male Rogue from Porn City – Jason
• Esmeralda "Ezme" Abernathy. Human Female Temple Fighter of Soixante Neuf from Scabport – Shane
• Ardern. Human Female Priestess of Mr Quail from Porn City – Kevin
• MARMALADING Rock Hammer. Human Male Barbarian from Central Plains – Steven
• Willow Woods. Half-elf Male Caribou Gorn Priest from Porn City - Chris
• Kippy Hunt. Human Male Barbarian of the Central Plains – Ian
• Munch Ease. Human Male Thief from Porn City – Darryl

 by Darryl

"Yeah Nah", says Jack. "Three people have died, we are standing in an IMAG temple of some sort, we have a little evil spear that none of us want and need to get rid of, and yet, here we are, wanting to carry on as if this is all normal," he continued.

"Ahh, but we voted and we's agreed plan A always works out," Cody retorts.

So yet again, our mighty group of adventurers equivocate and stand around in a darkened basement; fear and indecision rattling around between them and wrapping itself through their minds. The dust on the floor became very complicated and deeply intriguing as they stared at it and as they umm'ed and aah'ed away for some time.

"How's about we take the spear back to the mages and then decide?" mumbled Kippy.

"Good idea," replied Jack, hoping that putting off the decision to continue the group would end up never returning.

Carefully, they placed the wrapped-spear in a backpack making sure it was not touched by anyone and through the streets they moved making their way to the Wizards' Guild. Little light aided them and the city lay quiet and the streets empty of people. Arriving at the Guild, Cody pounded on the door continuously until open by an angry and irate porter.

"What is this intrusion at this time of night?!" he exclaimed. "Be off with you and return again when light has once again found its way to our souls."

"Yeeah Nah" answered Cody. "Go and get Ania right now or become nothing more than dirt on my boots. I tells ya now she will turn you into some sort of newt if ya hold up the news and greetings we have for her."

Ania Tilly

Reluctantly, and with a scornful look, the porter hurried off and within a short time Ania arrived.

"Please enter," she politely spoke. "You all wait in here" as she pointed to a small ante room, "Cody you come with me."

With a leery grin Cody shuffled off trying his best to keep his longing tongue within the confines of his mouth.

"Well? said Ania.

"We've got the spear, mistress," Cody said.

"Give me more detail than this, you fool!" retorted Ania who by this time was struggling to hold in her distaste for this man.

"Well, we went into Vincent's place and found dead bodies with horrible black tongues, and one of them bodies was Vincent. He looked proper dead and what wif him been a fag and all we was thinking the black tongue was to do with his, well you know what I means, his urgings like..."

"None of this matters to me," Ania barked back. "Just make sure you didn't touch the spear, and bring me back his body. It is of critical importance. Now begone with you."

"No mistress, we ain't touched that horrible little spear, but we thought we wuz done. But for such a gracious lady as yerself we will head back and do this deed for ya."

After receiving the carefully-wrapped spear, Ania is relieved to see Cody shuffle off to the group and to see them disappear once again into the night.

Back the group goes, down into Vincent's home and into the room where Vincent's body remains sitting upright in some chair. The group now feel emboldened to continue searching the remainder of the space, especially the large iron door in one of the walls.

"I'll have this open in a jiffy," Munch says as he steps forward pulling out a funny looking set of keys. 

Click clack, flash!

"Oi where's Munch gone?" Kippy asked with a quizzical look on his face.

"I'z down here" a little high pitched voice says looking up at Kippy.

"Mmm. Should someone have done a check for magic and or traps first perhaps?" came a sardonic voice from within the group.

"Hum how longs does this last?" two-inch tall Munch squeaked.

"Don't worry about that little friend," Kippy responded, as he lifted Munch up and placed him on his shoulder.

Flash bang, and Kippy is lying sprawled on the floor with young Munch smiling happily, full size again, sitting neatly on his back.

"Thanks mate, don't think I need that anymore."

Munch tries again and this time there is the lovely sound of a click as the door unlocks. The group enters the room behind the metal door and eyes widen. The shine of avarice outlines the treasure of hope for many who look around the room. Weapons, a magical one, torture equipment and four large chests full of both gold and the silver that the barbarians of the plains seem to place great worth in.

"Eff me!"

"Far out!" 

"I ain't never seen this before."

"Oh yeah!"

"Is that a magical erotic implement of personal desire I spy upon the wall?" can be heard echoing quietly around the room as the group begins to explore.

"We iz rich I reckon," was one predominant voice but with a group of adventurers such as this, dissenting voices began to rise from the small silences between the oohing and aahing.

"We can't take all this, way too heavy, and what if people find out, they will come calling for our gizzards."

"What are ya? We iz great adventurers and when we finds stuff it's ours and bugger the consequence."

"He's dead ain't he? So plum to doughnuts he don't need it and we ain't goin to tell."

"Do you know how much this weighs? We would need more than one cart to take it all away."

"We still need to get the body back to the mages."

"I want the magic rapier and stuff you lot!"

"Oi, we are making quite a lot of noise, and we have forgotten there is no I in team."

"Anyone got a spare bag?"

Well, this went on for a while, and somehow out of the weave of chaos a simple stuffed toy of a plan suddenly appeared. The group jingled its way out of Vincent's home returning back to their lodgings with various members of the group taking a little longer to return than others and on their return appearing a little lighter than they were when they left the room.

Early the next morning, after a slap-up breakfast, Munch and Willow head off to Willow's grove on the outskirts of the city to pick up a hearse. A quick stop is made and Munch seems to deposit a small bag in a hidden place. Willow and Munch return later in the afternoon with horse and cart riding jauntily below them. As the city quietens and the darkness ensures many of the citizens slumber away their night, the group drives the cart behind Vincent's house in a small back alley.

Besides Willow, who waits with the hearse, the group returns to the chamber where Vincent's body awaits. The odour the group meets as they close upon the chamber is that which would be expected in a funeral director's place of business, assuming said funeral director had a bit of a rush on and he decided to take a week or two off for a vacation, and forgot that ice melts after a couple of days.

Decomposition was catching
up with him

"Looks like decomposition is catching up on him," muttered Grim as he began to wrap a scarf around his nose and mouth. "Best we move along at pace before the neighbours begin complaining."

So whilst the right just and glorious members of the group maneuver the sticky oozing mess, once known as Vincent, into a sea chest and through the corridors of his once homely home, other members of the party spend time filling their boots and jingling their way back to the cart. The said cart is then quietly and carefully driven back to the Wizards' Guild where once again Cody raps upon the Visitor's door, hoping in his heart to once again stare upon the sultry facade of Ania.

"Nah eff off vagabond, ya can't see her," a fresh-faced but obviously well-trained new porter retorts to Cody's slimy request to see her.

"Yeah well, we have a delivery for her, and under her orders an all, so 180 yerself and do me bidding."

"Well's I can't, she's dead see."

"Oh, um yeah well.." Cody sneers. "Well, get us the next big bugger. He will sure want to see what we have."

So poor wizard Thespian, another senior within the Guild, is forced to spend time discussing matters with Cody. Despite the lack of leering, he, too, feels somewhat uncomfortable during this process and wonders to himself why this particular man has been chosen as the spokesman for a group with obviously some talent.

"So you are the group that brought that spear to Ania last night?" 

"Yes sah, that's us."

"That is most interesting," Thespian responds. "Her death is most saddening and perplexing. But now that you have brought someone else with a blackened tongue, which we see also in poor Ania's death repose, we may require you further. Return in two days."

"Who are you to demand matey? We is what we iz and do as we wishes, Mr High-and-Mighty."

"Mm I think you have missed the point, return in two days," says Thespian as he waves his hands and suddenly Cody has morphed into a short fat and even more ugly specimen of some form of humanity.

The group of course are highly sympathetic to the plight of Cody and do their best to remain standing as they guffaw and snort with laughter.

Our brave adventurers return two days later, Cody back in some more normal form. Discussions are undertaken. This time Cody is a little more demure in his approach, and this time Thespian seems slightly more amenable.

"You have Vincent's diary and some sort of semblance from those of you who can read I see as been made. Good. Your orders are simple. I don't care about your findings so far, so what if Magnus gave him the spear, and as for this man Igor who lives in Morganmine. You missed this in the Diary, fools. Your job is to find out who killed Vincent and why. That is simple even for you to understand. So go forth and do as ordered, and please stop annoying the porters, they are hard to recruit."

"Yes sire I understands, but them group out there, they don't haves the same savvy as me, and cause they has been real good in not touching any of the 8,000 gold pieces of Vincent's that I carefully counted out for your great highnesses, they would be looking for some sort of recompeneration like if you knows what I mean." Cody stutters.

Thespian sighs and replied "Of course, such worldly matters have been considered on your behalf and each member of your party may, on successful completion of the order as outlined will be able to receive a magic item of their choosing. They will get to choose a single item, and if I divine that their choice is, let us say, overly-extravagant, they will receive nothing. One choice and one choice alone."

"Oooh most gracious of you Mr Bigwig mighty fine wizard, I reckons they will go for that so let me be off and we will get rights to it." Cody says as he slowly backed away and bowing leaves Thespian, returning to the group who happily accept the challenge.

The group of course, be the mighty but more particularly pedantic adventurers that they are, who leave no stone unturned, no tunnel unexplored and no monster left alive, decide to return to Vincent's abode. 

A thorough search above ground reveals no further clues or pickings of interest. However the brainiacs and pedants of the group shuffle through what looks like nothing more than administrative papers, claiming the odd parchment or two for what may lie ahead. The mages have sent in the auditors and the treasure room now has a number of little men with clipboards busily counting and stock taking the various chests and items in the room.

"Good to see, carry on, jolly good show." says Jack. "All present and accounted for I'm sure." 

"Just this last tunnel for us to check out on your behalf. Don't worry about us, we are brave and daring-do adventures we will face what might be down this last tunnel, you just carry on."

So the group moved in their well-trained style, listening and moving carefully. As they proceeded, a murmuring and sound slowly grew. The tunnel ended and above them a trap door. Listening carefully they hear some sounds, sounds of laughter and jovial discourse, whilst wafting around them the smells of cooking meat and alcohol.

"Me reckons a pub up there," says Kippy. "Two shakes of a lambs tail and I can confirm for you."

So Kippy turns into a little mouse (metaphorically), creeps in and has a bit of a shifty around. 

"Yeah a pub, probably the Alabaster Coccoid, you know where them folks like Vincent hang out."

Alabaster Coccoid

"You mean the ones that look a bit like Munch does now that he bought himself those fancy fop clothes yesterday?" asked Ardern.

"Yeah kinda but Munch has no style, so that waistcoat and hat in no way matches with that feather he has stuck in is noggin, never mind I can see his leather armour sticking out where some sort of codpiece should be" replied Kippy.

Our mighty band of adventurers move on, and with the combined intelligence of half a lettuce begin to understand that the next phase of the adventure lies before them. Young Ardern, the mighty scholar of the group, studies carefully the incantations of Vincent's diary. Rustling past the entries about Karl the mighty member of Mannix, and Finn the feisty firefighter from Frumpland, and the luncheon next Thursday, she pieces together fragments of information of gold mining interest and his lead man on the job, Igor. 

Whilst Ardern carefully and quietly and very very earnestly works away on this research, most of the party gets all the bits and pieces together required for a two-week journey. However there is always one in the group, the charismatic one, or at least the one who thinks they are the most persuasive, the street-wise man, the speaker of the working class, the one who gets the juice. In our case, our man Jack. Jack sauntered down to the docks threw money around, and we mean real money, for dockers and sailors, as if confetti. His aim, his point of destiny, to derive from those of deep knowledge of high business, of male fraternity and of gold and political intrigue, what and why Vincent was doing what he was doing.

"Yeah nah mate never heard of him. Is he one of them fancy boys, the ones who likes the golden rivet? Never mind, I can finds out, in facts I can find you ten men who will swear blind that he was there last Tuesday, just cost you a few more of them there coins you bin throwing about."

"Um sorry you misunderstand, I made a mistake, his name was really Steve Balustrade and I think I have a headache coming on, forgive me..." Jack said as he sped away, not knowing that he was being followed.

Due to the incredible skill that Jack showed in his investigation and then his great ability at allowing himself to be followed, the group was forced to pack up and move to a new Inn for the short time before they headed off.

The road to Littleton was uneventful, why should it not be? Farm land settled and peaceful. But no chapter, ever, in time immemorial, in any group of adventurers can be concluded without the blood-curdling scream of pure violence. As the group closed upon Littleton with a day to go, a small farm to the right, a scream, that of a woman, a call of distress. Some of the party, on their recently purchased horses and armed to the teeth saunter up to the house. 

Some move to the rear, covering and tactically following a plan they have used before. A further scream, dead bodies on the porch and the entire group moves into full military level attack mode. A group of thieves and brigands appear to have attacked a small farmlet, and dead on the porch a man and two small children. But, for this mighty band of brave and noble adventurers, this is nothing but the fly of annoyance meeting the swat of destiny. The farmlet is stormed, the attackers quickly dispatched and pats on the back by all involved, despite the further death of what the group then understands as the final member of the farmlet, the mother.

And so the stage curtain of time falls upon our mighty band of adventurers awaiting for the clock of time to tick merrily for another week before rising yet again on these brave and hapless souls.