Climb Down the Chimney

 Present:

• Phoebe Lacrosse. Human Barbarian from Pugtown – Andrew
• Griza Muso. Human Thief from Lakeside – Jeff
• Balder Dash. Gnome Wizard from Toluene - Jamie
  
• Bush Tucker. Human Rogue from Spite Anti - Darryl
• MARMALADING: Red Feuersturm. Human Temple Fighter of Hob from Toluene - Chris
• Malcom Gandhi. Gnome Thief from Brian – Kevin
  
• Napolean Twig. Elf Priest of Caribou Gorn from Pugtown - Ian
• Joe Manco. Human Fighter from Toluene – Shane
• Galena Alfdis. Elf Priestess of Vingt et Un from Palantir - Steven

By Phoebe 

Pillar of Quek

We were in the Great Pillar of Quek. Thursa Demont had given us a new job to capture Simeon Massimo alive. He was currently at Spite Battle, two weeks' travel away, with the body of his brother Loris. 

Serendipitously, Balder needed the bones of a "creature of power" to cure his malady, and we knew that Loris Massimo was a necromancer, so he would fit that bill nicely. So this trip should be able to kill two Massimo birds with one stone.

Thursa had a selection of individualized magical items for us all, which we would receive as payment for this job:

• Phoebe: Bracelet of Aishwarya [ +1 APP ]
• Bush: Bag of Holding (200kg)
• Griza: +1 Sword
• Napolean: Lyra's Bracelet of Storage [ Store 5 MP - recharge with Transfer ]
• Balder: Bobbin's Amulet of the Goblin (speak the goblinoid lingua franca - kobold, goblin, orc, hobgoblin, gnoll)
• Gandhi: Lacy Underwear of Deftness (+1 DEX).
• Joe Manco: TBA
• Red: TBA
• Galena: TBA

We stayed another day at the Pillar to cure and spell-up.

Thursa Demont

Balder and Gandhi arrived at breakfast early the next morning, only to eavesdrop on Thursa talking to Bobbin. But they were using a guttural brutal language Balder and Gandhi did not understand. 

"Aytganimdek, shokoladli keklarim pishirish kukunidan foydalanmaydi. Ko'tarilish agenti tuxumdir. Bundan tashqari, sakson foiz kakao shokoladidan foydalanganingizga ishonch hosil qiling."

As soon as Thursa noticed them, she stopped.

The rest of us wandered down and Balder mentioned this.

"I bet it was dragon-speak," I said.

I went over to Thursa and asked the question that had been on my lips for several days now.

"Why didn't you tell us that Bobbin was the Green Dragon? It would have saved us - and you - a heap of time."

 

"I don't give a fuck about your time!" snapped back Thursa, obviously in a bad mood.

"Well, it was your time too. He... Bobbin.. could have ...uh... donated a tooth or claw straight away."

Thursa's eyes started to blaze. Remembering the Fireball incident in this tower only three days ago, I quickly withdrew.

Spite ho !

We left for Spite later that day. Thursa and Dahma would not be accompanying us this time. Thursa had more business in the Pillar.

First day's travel was uneventful and we arrived in the town of Quek. At Bush's insistence, we stayed at Simon's Pouch.

The next day we got to Peignoir. Here, stayed at Green Avocado.

The next day to Burq. The Rabid Monkey this time.

Then the town of Acruchet: Solemn Gargoyle.

The next day, bright and early, we left Acruchet onto the road to Rouen. It was raining and miserable.

Ambush

Ghoul a la cart

After a few hours into the trip, the horses began to get nervous. I was on my horse Concorde up on point. The wagon (with two horses) was carrying everyone else. Joe, Galena and Red were marmalading.

Balder mentioned he could feel undead.

Griza & Napolean heard a breaking of branches above, and suddenly a grey-skinned creature, with  and long filthy nails, clogged with grave dirt, leapt from a branch and capered towards us. A ghoul! Two more followed.

I wheeled Concorde around, and rode at the first one, slicing the foul creature. It turned on me, but another sword chop sliced its head off, and the dreadful thing collapsed to the road.

 

Bush fires

The other two had got to the cart. Bush got a shot off.

Tiny went in to bite one, and Balder cast a Magic Armour Bolt at that one, but he fumbled and a heap of fireworks went off. This so scared Tiny that he took off, and ran into the bush.

Luckily, Joe awoke then, coughed up some marmalade, and he joined the fray. He dutifully took the majority of the hits and got paralyzed.

I beheaded another one, and the third one took off down the road after the fleeing Bush, followed by Gandhi.

I rode it down too, Griza caught it, and we all chopped it to bits.

Bush ended up breaking one of his new magic arrows.

[ For every shot, there is 1 chance in 6 that the arrow is broken or lost. Normal arrows are consumables, so we don't bother tracking them (unless there is scarcity). But magical arrows are tracked. ] 

Galena awoke then from her marmalade.

"Why didn't you turn them, Galena?" mocked Griza.

poor Tiny

Tiny was still missing and did not heed Napolean's whistle, so he turned into a bloodhound (using his Druid ability) and followed Tiny's trail. After several hundred paces, he came to a clearing in the woods. There were four stone pillars, each with a Stonehenge-type lintel. In the centre was an altar, and off to one side was an old graveyard.

Tiny was next to the altar, lying, unmoving, on his side, but he was still breathing.

Not willing to approach, Napolean the bloodhound, turned tail and rushed back down the track to the party, and changed back into his elf form.

"I may need zum 'elp," he said. And told us all about the ominous clearing.

So, we left Gandhi and Bush to guard the wagon and horses, and all headed down the track. The whole place was steeped in magic and evil - no surprises there.

Napolean and I tentatively walked under the lintels towards Tiny. We both felt a sickly shudder passing through our marrow, but nothing happens.

Being a strong girl, I dragged the 55 kg unconscious Tiny back out through the pillars. And then Napolean cured him.

Meanwhile, Balder himself decided to walk back through the pillars. Upon doing this, there was a grinding of stone and the black stone lid of the altar - maybe it was a sarcophagus after all - slid slowly off.  

Seeing this, the dastardly poltroons in the group, Napolean, Tiny, Griza and Joe, rushed off at a sprint down the track. While the brave stalwarts, Balder, Galena and I, bravely walked backwards, so we could see the danger as it emerged.

A sickly cloying black smoke drifted out of the open altar and slowly formed into dark figure. It was not solid - perhaps wraith or spectre.

We looked at each other and decided that "dastardly poltroon" was not such a bad insult after all, and took off, sprinting, after the other four.

By the time we got to the wagon, it was set to go. Galena and Balder boarded, and Bush cracked the reins. I leapt onto Concorde, and cantered off after them.

Spite Battle

We arrived at Roux that afternoon, and stayed at the Wandering Pansy (and not at the Floundering Rat).

The next day, we got to Spite city itself.

Having been here before, we go to a familiar tavern: the Voluptuous Mermaid.

Bush engaged one of the mermaid's whores for 50gp.

"I'll even wear a tail for you," she purred.

The next morning, we boarded (cart, horses and all) a barge headed for Spite Battle. This trip took four days and was relievingly uneventful.

In Spite Battle, we booked in at the familiar tavern Jolly Jester. Lyra Silvermoon still worked here, and she remembered us of course (from about a season ago). We questioned Lyra about the Massimos. She didn't know where their house was, she just knew they were well known.

From Thursa's info, we discovered that the Massimos had a place down in the Warehouse district next to the docks: 16 La Rue d'Noir. It was a warehouse with a apartment built on top.

There was a tavern much closer than the Jolly Jester called the Frothy Mug, so we shifted there.

Bush went to reconnoitre first, relying on his witty charm (Persuasion). With his hair slicked back, he thought he made a smart impression (rather than a drowned rat). The place had a large sliding front door on the warehouse part with an inset door, and a small side door. There was no answer.

As he was loitering with intent, a passer-by wandered past.

"You lookin' for Massimo family?" the new fellow said. "Haven't seen 'em for weeks."

"Loris passed away. Here to pay me respects," said Bush.

"This place hasn't been open for weeks," was the reply.

"Anywhere else?"

"Dunno"

Info Reconnaissance

Balder went to the Wizards' Guild, and thence to the dubious Underguild faction (this is the darker side of the UGW, unique to the Spite area). And met Lyra Spellweaver.

"I am in search of the eternal truth," was the standard entry shibboleth.

"You have come to the right place," was the standard reply.

But there was no obvious sign of any Massimo here, despite Loris being an necromancer, and we did know already that Simeon was in the Underguild in Emerald. But then Lyra would not confirm nor deny their presence.

Phoebe and Bush in the Lucky Leprechaun

The poshest place in town was the Lucky Leprechaun. Bush, with his hair greased back, and I with my new magic necklace [+1 APP] and a new set of glad-rags, went in.

A couple joined us at a table: Samuel & Amelia Hightower.

We questioned them a bit about the local toffs. Like all the Spite, Spite Battle is run by elves and half-elves. The Cadillac family rules the roost.

The Massimo family was not one of the landed gentry and didn't fit into the ruling families. But it was know for its magic. But they were a bit hoi polloi: not classy, not elvish.

With her necklace, I was looking extra stunning tonight, and Samuel was finding it hard to take his eyes off her.

Amelia didn't seem to be jealous, though she was trying to make small-talk with Bush, and give him the eye. Bush noticed this, so wanted to impress. He had heard some elvish slang in the streets which he was told was "Your beauty teaches the torches to burn bright". 

So, he let rip in cockney elvish.

"Tee koon sahl poot koo s'meddy gods dahn l'kewl."

"What?" she blinked.

Bush slowed down and spoke, all posh like. 

"T'est qu'une sale pute qui se met des godes dans le cul."

Amelia's jaw dropped, and Samuel's face went white with rage.

"How dare you call my wife THAT," he stammered. "Who ... who shoves ... WHAT?!"

Bush said it again, very slowly and loudly this time.

"T'est qu'une sale pute qui se met des godes dans le cul.*"

The whole restaurant went quiet in a clatter of cutlery. Patrons paused and looked across at the table. Somewhere off in the distance a dog barked.

"What the hell did you say?" I hissed under my breath.

Amelia sat fanning herself in shock. Samuel stood tall.

"Go!" he roared. "Just go, you you uncouth... barbarians!"

So we left. He can pay the damn bill.

[ * = You are a filthy whore who shoves dildos up her arse. ]

Massimo Residence

That night, we broke into the Massimo warehouse.

It started with Malcolm, Griza and Balder. They sojourned in first. The rest of us, Phoebe, Napolean, Bush, Galena and Joe, hung around the various stalls and shops on Rue de la Noir.

Ten minutes later Griza and Malcolm returned sheepishly.

"Balder vanished! Trap on the main door."

We all returned to the side alley. Napolean had his Twig of Locate Object. He managed to think of a unique item on Balder's person (Locate Object will not track living things). The twig had a 200-pace range, and it worked. It pointed towards the apartment area on top of the warehouse.

The chimney that never was

"Climb down the chimney?" asked Bush.

"But I don't think there is a chimney," said Phoebe.

"Climb down the chimney," said Bush.

"There is no chimney," said Griza, who had already reconnoitered.

"Climb down the chimney!" insisted Bush.

We had another look. There was no chimney

"Climb down the chimney!" ranted Bush.

"Shut up."

Griza and Bush scurried up a wall. A few minutes later, ropes came snaking down. So we all climbed up and into the second story - the apartment. 

Joe was forced to remove his precious chainmail. Can't have him clinking around.

We searched through various empty rooms. The place had not been occupied in months, maybe years. There was one room shrouded in magic, with magical traps on its doors and magical stone in its walls. And, another suspicious corridor, heading down towards the warehouse below,  which had two magical wooden statues at the end. We did not dare pass through these.

Using Napolean's Locate Object Twig and three more charges, we determined that Balder was indeed, where we expected: inside the magical room.

No-one was brave enough to test the magical traps, so Napolean stepped up and volunteered to cast a Knock spell on the door. Everyone else wisely backed away and down the stairs, in case there was any blow-back.

Sure enough, there was a mighty crackle of energy and a loud BANG. Then we could all smell ozone.

We returned to Napolean to see him sitting on the floor, smoking, his hair standing on end. But, he was still alive, and now the door was open.

Sure enough, (with the twig's help) Balder was in there, shrunk tiny, inside a glass jar on a shelf. Next to him was a tiny halfling, and another dozen similar jars, all empty. Both were frozen in stasis. 

When the lid was removed, Balder suddenly appeared out of the jar, right as rain. No time had passed for him.

Bush decided to take the halfling but leave him in his jar until we left the property.

There were literally hundreds of other mundane jars containing every herb you could think of. Balder chose a choice selection of these.

There was also a desk and lots of papers. One of the drawers of the dresser was trapped with a poison needle trap. Griza dismantled it.

The papers revealed that the Massimo's had some property in a place called Kilgith Cove, which was down the coast road, towards the Wild Coast. There were also six vials and a bag of six 100 gp Identify gems

We thought we had what we came for, but to be sure, we got Balder to do a final Detect Magic in every room, to see if there was anything else notable.

Normally, this spell is trivial for Balder, but not today it seems. There was a loud BANG and we all got covered in a fine cloud of ash.

[ Balder has a skill of 20 with L1 spells. But a 20 roll always fails. And with a skill of 20, the fumble chance is 1 in 4. Nevertheless, he threw a 20 and a 4. Fumble ! ]