Ouzo's second letter home

 The cast: Bear [Ian], Dexter [Jamie], Gillard [Kevin], Debbie [Steven],

Myrtle [Andrew], Oliver [Jeff], Tu [Shane], Ouzo [Darryl], Scuttle [Chris]



Dear Mum,

Hope you git this letter and that some slimy bastard* hasn't made all them spellin and other changes witch were not mine, filistines.

Well, it aint bin that good here, what with losing Gillard and Oliver, with them not gettin back from their quick trip back down to open up the shaft entrance, witch you heard about last week. When they didn't get back after an hour we was in real trouble, cause then we didn't know what to do. That big dog and them skellingtons probably will kill us. So, we decided to wait another hour. Still they did not come, so we had to make a big decision: go in or back to the pub. Unanimously, we said "let's go and do the big hero rescue". Then we buggered about for a few minutes cause Too had marmalade stuck in his throat, and Debbie had some of the same pouring out her eyes and ears.

So, through the mirror we went, Bare first, Dexter then Myrtle, finally meself and Scuttle. All was quiet, then we hear a growl and pattering feet. Bounding towards us wuz that big [skeletal] dog. Bare and Dexter stood with weapons ready. It took on Dexter, who tried to parry, got bit real bad and went down. Bare swung a mighty blow and did a bit of damage.  Myrtle cured Dexter who popped back up. The dog then attacked Bare for a mighty 5 points. He had a go back and missed. The dog tried another attack but the guys cleverly dodged and then Bare stepped in and hurt it
for 1 point, but dropped one of the only crushing weapons we have down the stairs and out of reach. Dexter scored a good hit but things were looking real bad.

Two coughed out his marmalade and then wished himself elsewhere.

The fight continued back and forth with Dexter and Bare scoring hits and both quite damaged but somehow able to dodge a lot of the hits. Suddenly, 40kg of lard called Skuttil falls from the ceiling straight onto the back of the dog. I reckon he was trying to climb around but slipped. The dog turned his mighty jaws and bit into him. A mighty 1 point. Then Bare and Dexter both hit it and smashed it into smithereens.

We easily got passed the next problem, the big hidden spike in the hole in the floor. The skellingtons were next, 4 of them, and Myrtle turned them by talking to her god of Luck, "vung tea urn" or something like that. So, we got around them and we see that the trap door is unbarred, so they must have got this far. So we stand around for ages trying to reckin what they did next. We couldn't see no footprints so all the thinkin was kinda made up.  We decided to go back through the same portal and ended up back in the cigar-smoking room. Ok back around yet again and this time through the other portal...  and back to the smoking room. Now we wuz right confused.

Round again, this time to try and set off this thing called a toggle, witch was a bit beyond me. In the final room Myrtle said "hey look everything is switched around", so we went back thru portal 2 ... 

Pop - we is in a room and there is our missin mates, Oliver and Gillard. Oliver is nonchalantly leanin against a wall and Gillard is attacking a desk, with a drawer fighting back valiantly and resisting all his efforts. In the drawer, was a letter, 4 potions and a letter opener. I reckin he got some help to finally defeet it, but I wasn't watchin at the time. There is a door out but Oliver couldn't git thru it. They banged away at it heaps, so probably nothin behind it. Both me and Skutel says no traps. Skutel unlocks it, and in the next room a cellar with a stair up. Me and Skutel saw a black cat shoot up the stair real fast like. So we set up usual attack formation and check the door at the top. A cat flap in it was still slowly swinging. Bare quietly opened the door, a kitchen. Two doors, one outside and another into the house. Everyone started talking "witch witch witch, they have cats   so witch witch witch".  The kitchen is recently used with nice scones, almost as good as yours, and the fire was out but still warm. I looked out the window  and see the new part of town. We had bin teleported.

Being utterly non-quiet we open the inside door and there is a sitting room, with a black cat sitting on a nice easy-chair. Myrtle went up to it and strokes and it purrs. It then gets a bit touchy and starts staring at Too who kept saying "don't stroke it, strangle it". Dexter meanwhile nocks an arrow and shoots at it. It begins to grow and leaps at Dexter. Now the size of a real big house cat, it has a swipe but misses Dexter. Bare had a swing  and missed, and Dexter stepped back to change weapons. Too had a crack but missed also. The rest of us stood back, Debbie kicked off the tooty tooty she does on her flute** and the mayhem began.

The cat, spittin and snarling, attacks Dexter with two sets of claws and those long cat teeth. He gets bitten badly on the arm and falls back unconscious . Oliver hit it with a magic missile but things lookin bad, it really hurts when it hits. The cat, sensing Bare's prior wounds, attacked him in the midriff and hit him so bad he lost a whole lot of
his strength. Then the mighty Gillard, coolly walked up and struck a perfect blow and it died. Then it shrank and slowly changed into a naked lady. Before anyone could notice Skutel skutiled up and chopped her damn head off ! I nearly lost me lunch over that, blood everywhere and sinews hangin down, I don't think he has bin to butcha school. He said he wants to take it to the Real priests, who, as you said, do nasty things to dead people.

I do a hunt around an find nuffin. Skutil checks for traps on the final door and finds a trap. Me and Skutil couldn't disarm it, so good ol' Debbie sets it off, and as usual the trap duz no damage to her. In the room a small study with a desk. I checked, no traps and an easy lock to open. Heaps of papers, 2 vials, ink a quill and a black stone rod. Some said it wuz obsidian but I don't know what that that means. The rod and vials were magical.

We decided to head back to the Inn feeling pretty good with ourselves, a good haul and the chalice. We mucked about for a bit, rubbin our hands and workin out how much cash the jewels were worth. Oliver went off to the Mages' Guild and it wuz all a halla a boo cause a mage had just dropped dead. Her name was Ruby Jeffrey, and it wuz real sudden like. Oliver talked some more and worked out it was about the same time we wasted the cat.

We decided to take a day or two two sort things out, some trainin for the fighters and a bit of research and healin. Oliver wanted to find out about the letters in the cat's study, some of the names were Rose Gervan, who was in the town militia but now retired. Odette Wiley and she is in the town guard. Ophelia Treacle who owns the mansion we broke into. The last name was Ingrid Barnett who used to be a cleaner in the Penstoke Real temple. Oliver wuz real proud of his research. Some of the smart boys in the group rekon we are now on the path of the whole lot of them Malechai bastards. We also thought it important to keep the Real temple up to date, so Myrtle went and told them stuff, and they think she needs some sort of a personality transplant.

Whilst Myrtle wuz tellin them about the cat, they checked out the chopped-off head. They then said that the cat waz probably a were-cat, and if you had got bit you mite turn into one of these were creatures. We are now all a bit worried about Dexter and Bare.

Skutil and me were asked to go and see if Roger, the bloke who hired us to get the chalice, had a witch's mark on his back door. So, we waited til nite and and we sneaked round and made sure he did not.

We had to hang around a lot waiting for the magical stuff to be checked out and passed around to the right member of the group. As usual, Too couldn't understand how some folk got the stuff and he didn't. We all laughed and poured more beer down his throat.

So, all in all we hung about for 4 days for all the magicking and trainin and healin.

Because we told them Real boys, one nite the mansion and the cat's house completely disappeared. Gone, flat ground. When I found out next morning at breakfast I wuz gobb-smaked. Them Real boys are real powerful.

The weirdest thing about the four days wuz Bare. He started rubbing himself up against doors and stuff, and liked to lie down when the sun came out and curl himself up. Looks a bit suss and we are worried he mite be a human mice-hunter to be.  We will know in about a month.

We didn't do much after these 4 days but right at the end we decided to give the chalice to the Real priests. Problem was, we took the chalice, but the Reals laughed and said it was not magic. We got real confused but finally worked out it wuz cause there was no incense. We hunted high and low and none of us knew where it waz. We all got a bit suss about each other, so we emptied all our packs and shit and guess what? Oliver had the stuff. He just shrugged. I reckon he mite be some sort of Malechai spy***. But he gave the incense up real easy like and we checked and the chalice was once again a magic-summoning thingy. So, we took to the Reals who, as usual, gave us nuffin**** for it (Mum, I agree them are real bastards), and they destroyed it.

Well that is all for now Mum. Sorry no money enclosed cause me share git spent on them Identifies, but if I don't make it home, at least me new majik dagger will, and I am sure you will make good use of it: carving up the Sunday roast of rat / gravy lard / horse testicles.

Your living and lovin son, 

Oozo

* = Philistine Myrtle did less editing this time of Ouzo's atrocious spellin' and grammuh. Most of it is his sacred words.

** = Bardic battle-hymn flute-music inspires a fight (+2 OV).

*** = Oliver did not approve of us giving the evil Malechai chalice to the REALs for destruction (despite the party vote). So, it was suspected he held the incense back in a futile attempt to stop the loss of the chalice. Ouzo did not mention Oliver's evil cursed undead knife nor his black arm, but its influence on Oliver has not improved.

*** = Except their heart-felt thanks and another favour.