The Return of Carnilla

Light Touch [ Jeff ] got the chitinous skin from one of the dead giant cockroaches and ordered it to be made into a set of greaves, vambraces and breast-plate. Unfortunately, when he was telling the dwarven smith to do this, he made groping breast motions, and thus ended up with boobs on his breast-plate. "Somewhere to store things," quipped Yeti [ Darryl ].

Having finished with Narnia, we said our goodbyes to the Good animals, and went back to the Lamp-post to return to the Shadowlands Keep world. Our main worry now was Carnilla (Recall that Carnilla was Carla's (me) evil extra-planar alter-ego clone from another copy of the Earth world, where New Zealand is a fascist state run by the Drow (ACT) ruling class. This was originally where Ah Hung [ Steven ] came from). We had assumed that the nine days quoted by the orcs would be when she would make a push into Narnia to defeat the White Witch herself, and gain power like I had from her death. Apparently, when you kill one of your extra-planar clones, you receive an augmentation of power. There was a four-to-one time dilation in Narnia compared to the Keep world, and we had spent about four days in Narnia, so this meant there was still eight days (32 Narnian days) before Carnilla would arrive. Nevertheless, we got Yeti to make Light Touch and Peg Groups [Ian] invisible. They then snuck back through the tunnel.

Sure enough, a band of twelve gnolls, very well concealed, were watching the spot where the tunnel emerged. So Light Touch & Peg waltzed invisible past them, then out into the swamp to the lizardmen's mound. It didn't take long to rustle up a platoon of lizardmen braves, and they descended upon the hapless gnolls like a wolves on the fold, and slaughtered every one.

We all came through the tunnel. Nailed to a tree near the tunnel was a strange plate with a rune on it. John Wayne [ Shane ] identified this rune as something to do with protection from extraplanar travellers. Straight away we suspected the hand of Carnilla, and thus smashed the plate into little bits. The instant we did this, Tarboy suddenly appeared (recall the totally black figure we spotted in the evil temple of the Caves of Chaos, one of the extra-planar creatures. His proper name was Nyarlathotep, but that was too much of a mouthful, so we stuck with "Tarboy"). In voice dripping with fulsome irony, he thanked us for destroying the plate and then said his aims were in line with our own. He said Carnilla had in her possession an artifact of immense power, and that she was affecting all the multi-verses with her meddling. He would help us, if we helped him - "my enemy's enemy is my friend", and all that. Wiz and I wanted nothing to do with a creature of such evil, but John Wayne, Peg Groups and Gwyffin [ guest star Richard Greenaway ] willingly accepted Tarboy's blessing. However, Tarboy still had a lasting affect, because from then on, each night I had horrendous dreams of being bound and sacrificed by Carnilla on an altar of blood. Yeti dreamed of kittens.

Back to the Keep. On the way there, it was nearing dark and we were making camp. We heard the noise of what sounded like a two-stroke engine, up in the sky. I suddenly got this strange feeling of dread and squeaked "Carnilla!" We all hunkered down, and tried to hide. The noise got louder, and then it flew overhead, then passed and faded away. It was headed roughly out over the swamp,

Back in the Lord Loofah's Keep we settled down to rest in the FAG inn. My beauty, pulchritude and macromasia had increased somewhat when the witch died. I used to attract many stares from solo males and hateful glances from women, but now the mild this irritant had turned into a deluge of attention from every man-jack in the inn. One fellow named Elric (yes, named after the fallen god) was particularly interested and hung around. So much so that he wanted to join us - he was a tea-leaf like Light Touch. So we had a vote: Carla, Peg Groups, Ah Hung, Wiz said yes. John Wayne, Yeti, and Gwyffin said no. So he could tag along.

John Wayne's Santa suit was beginning to give us worry. He had slaughtered some good creatures in cold blood, and now he was starting to radiate evil to both me and Wiz. So evil in fact, that it was only eclipsed by Tarboy. He could not take the suit off, and its fabric was physically merging with his spine and brain stem. He got himself a whip too, and started practicing using it.

We asked the Keep priest of Grism, Dogbert, to check John and the suit out. Dogbert pronounced the suit utter pure and incorruptible Good (!).  John then asked the Keep wizard to also check the suit because it was a power item - but when he touched it, all the flesh was stripped from his hand, literally degloved, leaving only the bloody bones and tendons. His hysterical screams of agony could be heard long into the night as Dogbert tried fitfully to patch him up - or at least keep him alive. We are pretty sure John Wayne would have been arrested and executed for such an act if Dogbert had not intervened with his declarations of the suit's unadulterated goodness.

The target for the next trip would be the portal located in Cliffies' land - a tribe of goblins. So we left and headed there. After two uneventful days, we left the road and started to head through the trees.

We came upon an ogre-mage and two orcs priests about to slaughter a naked elf maiden who was tied to a tree stump. We made short work of them; without even breaking a sweat. The girl identified herself as Nyssa and was logically upset, but she didn't wish to travel with us, and only wanted to head home. The ogre-mage had a book Revelations of Glaaki and was using drawings from the pages in his set-up of the sacrifice. Author Glaaki was obviously completely insane, probably evil too (though the book did not radiate evil), and just looking at a page made me feel ill. John Wayne had no such moral qualms, and he gleefully took the book. On the open page, he soon spotted the very sacrifice the ogre-mage was planning, and determined that the ogre had got it completely wrong any way: "In Elder-speak, the gerund is 'disembowelling' not 'disenfranchising', stupid ogre."

As we were moving deeper in, we heard the two-stroke engine again. Elric suddenly bolted. And then suddenly there were four loud bangs in quick succession.

There was a blur and we appeared in a library, filled with musty old books. Mentoz "the Fresh-Maker" (another one of the extraplanar beings) was here in smoking jacket and slippers, sucking on a pipe. He explained that we had been hit simultaneously by four portals, obviously launched from Carnilla herself (from her two-stroke-engine-powered gyrocopter). Mentoz had intervened at the exact moment that the portal spheres were in their expansionist stage. He had fashioned this Library pocket universe and brought us here, outside of time, for the few milliseconds before the portal spheres engulfed us. Although he was forbidden to intervene, apparent doing this act was allowed - and who are we to question the motives of beings of such power? We would still have to go back into the resultant worlds where the portal spheres would take us, but at least we could have a wee chat with Mentoz first, and perhaps a snifter of brandy.

Like Tarboy, Mentoz was worried about the phenomenal power that Carnilla was wielding, and he too wanted us to stop her before she destroyed all the multiverses with her "pesky meddling". He gave us some more items: two suppositories of Regeneration, eight suppositories of Cure, two of Heal, and one for me to use in the presence of Carnilla, apparently to weaken her by proxy. Gwyffin also pick-pocketed the Fresh-Maker and got a hens-egg-sized one made of the purest of white marble. 

Down with the Queen - and all that

Through a combination of Light Touch's [Jeff] hiding, some invisibilities and general stealth, we made our way through the dungeons of the White Witch's castle. We heard that the changing of the guards was going to be at 9am. It was 8am.

Down a corridor, Light Touch sensed a further drop in temperature and spotted two human wizards in a room. He returned and collected us, and we engaged them. It was a short battle, as they are totally surprised. One male one female, both wearing Medallions of Warmth. This room was freezing and the medallions certainly kept one warm.

There was a large stone table in the room,  covered in runes, and it had a highly magical blue glowing dagger stuck into the stone. This thing radiated cold like you could not imagine.

One of the abilities of Light Touch's magic feather duster was that it could erase runes. [ Rune magic is a separate form of magic. The spells are very powerful and mostly permanent (unlike the more temporal normal magic), but they require the expenditure of permanent magic - the actual attribute of the character - so is costly to cast ]. The trap runes were removed and the ice dagger was taken from the table. This stopped the permanent winter outside, and it started to warm instantly. Spring was here to warm Narnia.

We ventured upstairs a little more and found the barracks of the prison guards - rat soldiers. It didn't take long to destroy all these foul vermin.

Not brave enough to face the witch alone, we all withdrew out of the entire castle, back through the spider tunnels, and back to the trees.

There was an army of good woodland creatures here. They implored us to sneak back inside and ensure that the gate and portcullis of the castle would stay open, so that their army of Liberation could charge inside.

So we rested, recharged (via potions), collected a handful of elite fighters: centaurs. Since day had broken and it was light now, Yeti made us all invisible and we snuck back inside through the tunnels.

The prison was undisturbed - confirming that the guard patrols and shifts for the prison was entirely separate from the rest of the castle.

Peg Groups [Ian] and John Wayne [Shane] positioned themselves next to a group of rats guarding the portcullis wheel in a room next to the main gate.

Wiz [NPC], a giant and a centaur positioned themselves to take on two white tigers and an ogre on the main gates.

Yeti [Darryl] moved to spike open the gates into the inner keep.

Ah Hung [Ian] took one of the Stone to Fresh scrolls to be cast on some petrified giants in the main courtyard.

Light Touch reconnoitred sniping archers.

I (Carla) was ready to blow a horn: This was the signal for the woodland creature army to charge.

The trigger to start was Wiz's attacks. Everyone was invisible, so we had maximum surprise.

Wiz et al attacked. John launched a fireball, Yeti hammered, Ah Hung cast.
Instantly, I blew on the horn. The army began their rush.

Wiz et al kept the tigers and ogre busy. Wiz was sorely wounded and the giant and centaur slain.

John's fireball smashed into the portcullis wheel rats, killing most, and damaging the rest. Peg finished them off.

 Yeti began his hammering his spike under the door, but a lone white tiger arrived. So Yeti cast a ground-zero fireball and engulfed himself and the tiger in the conflagration, then he played possum - a smoking craven poltroon possum - giving enough time for the two giants, Ah Hung had restored, to engage that tiger.

A few minutes later, the Army of Good rushed in through the open gates, and then straight through the keep doors and thus began a massive battle in the keep's throne room. We noticed with some worry that the White Witch had arrived, flanked by her rhinoceros body-guards, and was rallying her forces and taking pot-shots with her petrification wand, stoning Good animals left, right and centre.

Wiz, Peg Groups, Yeti, Mister Wayne and two centaurs went invisible and started making their way towards the witch.

Ah Hung cast Enhanced Attack on himself and me. [ This gave us both a huge accuracy bonus, +20, on the shots for one round. ] We used the ensorcelled Arrows of Slaying (collected of the unconscious Light Touch), and targeted the witch. There were so many creatures in the way, that there was only room for a brief snapshot. We caught the tiniest glimpse of the witch between the brawling forces, but the bonus-magic was enough to let the arrows fly true. She was hit, twice.

The witch dropped, and literally exploded in a wave of fierce cold. This instantly froze her rhinoceros bodyguards.

That act turned the battle in our favour - the tipping-pointed crossed. The good creatures won, and the started the grisly business of cleaning the filth from the keep.

The instant the witch died, I got a wave of psychic and spiritual energy which augmented me [ stat and skill increases ].

But after an hour or two, while the Good army was mopping up the last pockets of stalwart resistance, I felt this augmentation start to wane. We suspected that the witch had some bolt hole for her spirit and that she was regenerating, albeit slowly.

So we set the good dwarfs out to thoroughly search the entire castle with orders to leave no wall unsearched and no flagstone unturned. Sure enough, after a few hours, they located a secret room next to the stone table room. With some difficulty we broke in, and, sure enough, she was here. And was slowly regenerating. Peg decapitated her. There was a glowing vial of bright blue cold next to her. We give that to a good owl, and he flew high into the sky and dropped it onto the courtyard where it smashed. This seemed to work, because the wave of augmentation returned, and this time did not wane.

"Ding dong the witch is dead.
Witch o witch, the wicked white witch.
Ding dong the wicked white witch is dead.
Wake up, with stone to flesh, wipe your eyes, you are not dead.
Let all know the wicked white witch is dead.

Spiders - It had to be spiders

(Written by Ian)

We catch up with our group, late afternoon stood in a small wood a couple of kilometres from the White Witch’s ACME™ Castle. The castle was mostly across clear ground, and this small wood was the last of the cover the group could use.

They were crouched down in a close huddle to avoid making any sound that the nearby ogre sentries might hear, alerting them to the group’s position. The snow and ice caused the party to wring their hands and blow warm breath over their fingers. Their breath formed clouds that drift off into the trees.

The guide, Hedge Tops (a ferret whose voice is remarkably like Light’s), spoke quietly to the party; “So that is the entry point we were told about. That stream leads into the hill side and carries on upstream to the castle. Didn’t know about those stinking ogres, but these are strange times.” 

“Oh well, at least it provides further evidence that the castle is at the end of the stream” mentioned Carla [ Andrew ].

The party discussed the pros and cons of various plans. The full frontal assault on the castle front door was always a good one to contemplate. Perhaps not this time… The open ground and large number of human sized rat guards and savage looking White Tiger sentries would make this seem like a bad idea. As what little of the sun slowly heads toward the Western horizon, they decided to do some reconnaissance. Light Touch [ Jeff ] was rendered undetectable with the ‘nothing to see here’ invisible spell. He swanned past the ogres and into the cave mouth. It opened into a larger chamber that had the ogre accommodation and ‘food’ supplies. It seemed that all the ogres were currently outside around their fire, enjoying the remains of some poor woodland creatures.

Light Touch quickly checked the chamber and exits, including where the stream carried on toward the castle. There are no additional light sources, so the low light vision was soon of little use. Light Touch returned to the group well before the invisibility wore off.

“Ok then, seems like now is the time to sneak the group past the ogres”. 

Yeti [ Darryl] rendered all eight party members invisible, just long enough to cover the open ground and get past the feasting guards. Once inside, the party struck lights and Peg Groups [Ian] and Light Touch headed off upstream, the mages and clerics in the middle with Whiz to the rear. Going was good with the stream being easy to follow.  There were many side tunnels on either side and Gwiffen started to protest progressing forward; “It smells it does. Me don’t wike it…” The group started to notice silken threads disappearing into most of the side passages 

“Great” said Peg, “spiders. It HAD to be spiders.”

After reasonable progress the cave system opened into a large cavern. With no effort at all it is clear to see that the high ceiling was a writhing mass of dog sized spiders. They were everywhere. They were places beyond everywhere. 

“This has the potential to not go well” The party said simultaneously.

While contemplating options and visualising the pointlessness of just about all forms of offence that the party had at their disposal, a larger single spider gently lowered on a web strand from the cavern roof.

“Heeelllllooooo” the loathsome thing hissed.

“Ahem, hello” Light Touch stammered. “Could we please pass through the cavern?”

“Nice one person. That is unlikely to happen intruder. These are OUR caves and you are not welcome”

Yeti added “Agreed, however we are travelling through and do not want to cause you and your kind any problem”

“Well then” the spider negotiator started “We would like to make a deal. You donate one of you lot to feed us, and we shall let the remainder pass.”

The party let out a sigh of relief. At least three hands and a foot glided out of the dark and confidently ‘steered’ Gwiffen toward the heinous arachnid. “Oi! Watch ya doin???? You can’t do vat. Stoppit!”.

“Oh no you don’t” hissed the spider. “That hairy morsel is too small and you offered it too fast. We need one of you other lot to feed upon”.

The party consulted; “Oh well it was worth a shot but have to come up with a plan b. We couldn’t really let Gwiffen be used like that”.

Yeti again approached the dangling negotiator;

“Ahem, Mr Spider sir, we are wanting to go to the castle. Offering one of our crew is not an option, however we know that the Castle is full of food (ok, the enemy), how about we get your safe passage on the promise of delivering a meal from the castle occupants? Does this sound reasonable?”

“Hmm, this does sound promising – but we could just eat you all here?” The spider rationally pointed out.

“What about the ogres?” offered Peg Groups “We could draw them back here for you to eat and after all, they are much bigger than us?”

“Sorry pointy ear, as much as they could be eaten they have been stopping troublesome interlopers for a while and we like that. The ogres are not an option.” A small swarm of spiders was slowly building not far from the group, behind the spider speaker. They were more and more agitated and excited. The promise of a decent meal was getting too much to bear. Yeti continued nervously;

“Ok then, ogres are out, a party member is out, how about we promise the equivalent weight of the party in castle enemies? 8 dinners served warm?”

“Eeenterresssstinggg…. We can agree to that, six-legs-missing. We give you safe passage and you deliver eight meals. They must be warm and red blooded for us to feed and your debt to be repaid”

“Agreed” The group spat on palms and shook hands/legs.

“That is the most repulsive feeling ever” Carla observed with a wince.

On they moved upstream to the castle. This time however, accompanied by the sound of thousands of legs following along behind the group. Travel was fast and easy with the 8 legged escorts. Soon the party reached a square metal grate set into the walls, floor and ceiling of the stream. The grate had vertical bars and seemed very old. Just beyond was a man-made area with the signs of the castle plumbing depositing all manner of foulness into the stream. As the two strongest adventures, Whiz and Peg Groups tried to bend, break or otherwise the grill but nothing budged the rusted (but obviously solid) grate. 

“Hey Mr Spider, any chance you lot could lend a hand – well – lend a leg and some web?” Light Touch pleaded.

“Another deal then?” The spider leader was positively brimming with glee at the prospect of getting even more out of the group.

“We will help BUT one of your party must stay with us until the full debt is repaid – and not the small hairy thing that smells like the armpit of an old sloth”. Again the party had to decide. As this is a sneaky task to remove an axe from a stone, and to be discovered would mean failure and death anyway, Whiz was volunteered to stay behind.

“But Mr Spider, can we swap Whiz to another party member if we want to? If we really need Whiz we mean?”

“Ok then” The Spider was feeling in a generous mood at this point “Why not? You can swap party members if you desire”.

With the latest deal secured, the spiders combined web and body to start pulling on the grate. Peg and Whiz helped and the grate fell inward with a clatter after a fairly short period of resistance. The spiders stayed where they were with Whiz and the group explored the small area beyond the opening. It was certainly a waste disposal area and there was a solid trapdoor in the ceiling as the obvious dumping point. Light Touch checked it out and the trapdoor was bolted solidly from the top. There were also the distant sounds of voices and footsteps, nothing direct overhead at this stage, but within careful hearing distance.

The party worked out that it was only sunset or early evening so decided to explore the area, prepare and wait until midnight or so before making too much noise. They searched for any alternative exit point but that trap door seemed to be the only way out, stubbornly bolted and about four meters above the stream. Whiz and Peg could not budge it with brute force. Stumped. Peg thought about things, 

“You know, what we need is something that we can use to mechanically pry or force that lid open? Something small enough to get up to the lid, but strong enough to do the job? Wonder what we could use for that?”

John Wayne [ Shane ] stopped reviewing the list of naughty and nice children that seemed to be growing magically

“Oh, not sure if this will help but I have this car jack thingy. Would that do??? Been carrying it around for weeks now”

“Ahhhh, yes” Light Touch said with attitude and head sway only rivalled by TV chat show guests “That will do nicely. Just need to get a solid footing up near the trap door.”

With some cunning ingenuity a small and woefully unstable tower was erected comprised of a loose stone footing to water level, the mangled grate up to the base of the trap door. The grate was secured with cross ropes and Ah Hung [ Steven ] hanging on for grim (Grism anyway) death. The jack set between the grate and the trap door at the side that seemed to have the bolt mechanism nailed from above.

It was time. Sometime close to midnight, when things had been quiet above the door for some time, the handle was wound and the pressure went on. The door creaked and groaned and started to crack. Something gave, and the door released a fraction. Something small and metallic clanged across the ground above. Muttering and murmuring started from somewhere in the distance. The group froze… Quiet again and after a few minutes, Light Touch resumed winding the handle as the door had not fully released.

After more pressure and stress on the door, it eventually exploded apart. Large metal parts that made up the bolting mechanism, rattled and clanged across the floor.

“Bugger. That was noisy” Light Touch observed by way of understatement.

The door was still closed but Light Touch could now lift it far enough to know that it was unbolted. It was a large door and HEAVY but at least finally unlocked. Soon after the less than subtle removal of the bolt, yells and sounds of movement neared from above.

“What do we do? What do we do? Someone do something!” Ah Hung bravely shrieked.

Ah Hung and Peg quickly drew arrow, and Light Touch clung to the opening door jam. Within moments the trap door started to jiggle and move. From above a voice spoke to an unknown other;

“Ere’ look at this. Ratty, it is all busted. There are broken bits everywhere. Who could have done this down here? Open the door and see what gives”.

The door flung open and the stupid dolt had his face and upper chest looking directly down the hole and his colleague’s lantern behind providing the perfect silhouette. What a day for target shooting… Peg and Ah Hung let fly making use of the biggest element of surprise and advantage a group could wish for. The inquisitive human face that stared down soon had an arrow in its forehead and one in its chest. The guard (as it turned out) dropped immediately to his death. Well it would have been to his death if he wasn’t already dead from the quarrels that is.

Light Touch swooped elegantly from his hold position, through the opening and to the floor above. Unfortunately the guards partner above let go of the rope that he was holding the lid open with, at about the same time. Light Touch got most of the way through the opening but the door slammed heavily and painfully into his right shin. Shin and foot were securely held in the door. While Light Touch lay on the ground, he had to deal with a rather nasty broad sword being wielded by a man-sized rat in light armour. Light Touch did well to avoid too much further trouble and eventually the door flung open from below. This released Light Touch and he rolled away.

Peg Groups had taken half a minute or so to get up to the door and fling it open. Peg came through the opening and grabbed the attention of the guard. At this moment a number of things happened simultaneously:

1. The human guard that had fallen through was being searched and fed to the spiders. Disgusting…

2. Gwiffen was making his way through the trap door with deft expertise. He proceeded to secure a climbing rope to a fitting in the above room and allow the others to at least start coming through. Ah Hung was next…

3, The far end of the room (that turned out to be a torture chamber – great) was being opened and a rat and the familiar sounds of a large cockroach in the not nearly distant enough, distance.

Peg dispatched the rat guard with a single crunch. Light Touch was up and about but the new arrivals saw him and persuaded him into fisticuffs. Ok, so Light Touch screamed like a harpy and parried for all his worth. Peg thought at this point that ‘this was going to get interesting once that cockroach gets here’.

Too late. Cockroach was there and Peg Groups engaged to stop it getting near Light Touch or anyone else for that matter. Ah Hung cast his armour spell on Peg to at least give Peg and the party a fighting chance. This turned out to be pivotal in the fight. A number of rounds passed where Peg and cockroach traded hearty blows. Both frustrated by the lack of ability to hurt the other. At least Peg was not being carved apart thanks to Ah’s protection.

After Ah Hung , John Wayne appeared out the hole and proceeded to wave his arms about and cast some spell directly at the cockroach. 

Peg prayed that it was not fireball, the usual spell of choice. Not this time Peg, new spell time for John; Feeble-mind. Good choice John. 

As the rounds wore on the cockroach got weaker and weaker. Peg could tell that the hideous thing was starting to struggle for speed and strength. Eventually, its attacks were pathetic and it was much easier to inflict damage. A few carefully aimed, hearty, blows to the head and the cockroach fell over - dead. The thing’s limbs slowly curled into its upturned belly. Next round the rat was gone with a single blow and all was quiet. The group were in the castle dungeon with the guards gone and a number of wilderness creatures held prisoner in the adjoining cells.

The spiders got 1 human, 2 rats (human sized) and a cockroach. Ok, they did not accept the cockroach but it was worth a try. Three debts paid out of eight.

Another Temple another World

We explored cave system, past where the black wall was. This wall had blocked us and sent us to the Nazi World (q.v). Now it was gone and was just another normal passage.

Light Touch [Jeff] went skulking down a long passage way, fitfully scouting, while we all waited and twiddled our thumbs. Despite his now considerable skulking skill, he was still ambushed by some zombies and skeletons hidden in illusionary alcoves. A short battle ensued each time, Light Touch was wounded, and these undead were defeated by us all.

We then adopted a rather ingenious method to detect these illusionary alcoves: normal senses could not discern them, but should one be blindfolded, one could search for these alcoves by prodding the wall with a stick - the stick would vanish into the wall. The hapless "one" given this job was John Wayne [Shane].

In a room down the end was yet another Evil Temple room - complete with altar and pews. Eight large candles, ensconced in elaborate faux-gold candle-holders, lit the room. These candles magically ignited when someone entered and extinguished when they left.There was also a large bell here. Next to this temple, though two doors, was a room filled with skeletons and zombies, about twenty of each, but they were totally immobile, and stationary, frozen and standing to attention. We guessed that if some idiot rang the bell, then they would all animate. Thankfully, in this case, our party contained no idiots (though, mentions in dispatches might claim otherwise).

Off another side passage was a plush bedroom, en suite and another passage. While investigating the bedroom, a leather-clad figure, human, suddenly appeared, grabbed me and held a knife to my throat. He wanted us all to surrender, or "the girl gets it". Though some quick negotiations and a substantial bribe ensured he left us, and left the complex, and made his way outside.

Down another side passage, we were met with some desultory arrow and quarrel fire. Peg Groups [Ian] volunteered to investigate, invisible, so left us. He didn't return after the appointed time. Oh dear.

Light Touch volunteered to check for him, but we instead decided a full frontal with some magical support.

After a fierce battle, we broke into yet another temple, this one with two altars. On one was tied the helpless and hapless Peg Groups - about to be sacrificed to some Chaos god. On the other on was a miniature black dome. As we were fighting our way through the horde (well, maybe five) of baddies, a large mechanical bipedal robot thing materialized out of mid air. It carried two mini-guns and these whirred to life firing, each, 110 bullets per second. But high-tech and the Shadowlands world do not mix, and the robot thing started to melt almost immediately as its molybdenum stainless steel started to corrode, and its plastics and kevlars started to disintegrate. Within a few seconds it could no longer fire, and stumbled about blindly, eventually falling over and melting into a pile of component elements in a colourful puddle on the floor.

More worrisome was another figure beyond this robot. This was an emaciated chap, in robe and hood, but connected to the black back wall by some tentacle or umbilical. He hurled magic at us, doing considerable damage, before severing the umbilical defeated him. After he had died, the back wall still quivered as if it was made of black jelly. No one dared to touch it. Peg Groups was freed during this battle.

Point to note: neither the Gatling-gun robot nor Mister Umbilical had a belly plate.

We also suspect that the black dome here, which vanished when we killed the nearby priests, was maintaining the large black dome ("Dome of Night") over the whole valley.

Having vanquished this cave system, we cured up and headed back to the Lord Loofah's keep to train.

One of the maps we had obtained (from Ah Hung [Steven]) indicated a large pentagram drawn on top of a map of the surrounding area. In the very centre of the pentagram was the Caves of Chaos. And one of the arm tips was the entrance through to Jacksons Bay. So we decided to check out the other arms.

The most northerly one was in the forest, but Griffon advised not to go there.
"They are a goblin tribe called Cliffers," he exclaimed with some derision. "Under Splint. Not a nice tribe. Lots and lots."

The southerly one looked safer: it was in the forest off the swamp (about a day's travel from the tower), so we could expect help from our friends the lizardmen.

We headed back into the swamp, met up with Druid Bent Rootsucker and his lion Binky, then met the lizardmen. They were only too happy to provide us with escorts for our foray into the forest.

That night, Bent went missing. There was a note stabbed into a tree nearby proclaiming "You may get your druid back in nine days. Any attempt to rescue him, or move deeper into OUR lands will result in his death".

Light Touch did an invisible look around and found Bent a prisoner of some orcs. Twenty of them. Not wanting to fight this number with our meagre resources, we asked our lizardmen guides for some help. They took off and soon returned with a veritable army of sixty lizardmen fighters.

So... Yeti [Darryl] made Light, Peg and Whizz invisible and they moved to stand next to the three orcs guarding Bent. Then the attack was launched, and the sixty lizardmen charged. The orc guards of course moved to kill Bent, but Light, Peg and Whizz soon put paid to that little plan. In a few minutes, all the orcs were utterly overwhelmed and slaughtered. We bid our lizard escorts farewell (they didn't like these woods), and moved deeper on in.

I had a tingling in the back of my head and it got stronger when we approached a clump of bushes. This was about at the spot on the map where the pentagram arm was. Sure enough, if one crawled into these bushes, one emerged ...

... in a white snowy forest, next to a lamp-post.

"Narnia?" exclaimed John.

Sure enough, we met a faun, and some other talking animals. The world was indeed run by a White Witch who placed everything into perpetual winter. There was a saviour called Aslan who had not been seen for many decades. And time was dilated here. There were a few differences from standard Narina - the Witch made use of ogres, tigers, and beholders (plus the usual evil dwarves and wolves), and the collection of "good" animals  was a bit different. Also, we did not get the significance of the nine days that the orcs had demanded (with or without the four-to-one time dilation). And it did not appear that the orcs had discovered the portal.

Oh yes. The White Witch was an exact likeness of Carla, buxom and bold, though with cruel feral eyes.

A heap of good woodland creatures were being kept captive in the Witch's dungeons (presumably turned to stone - yes, she had one of those wands), under her castle, so we had to get inside.

The Evil Reichsmarschall

Exploring further, in this universe, small animals are used to perform electrical activities and some mechanical functions. Lamps and bulbs are glowing hamsters, complex mechanical functions (like dirigible engines) are done with animals. Radio valves are voles and mice. We turned out to be in an alternate Earth, during World War two, in a Nazi zeppelin. There were soldiers on board, human, who spoke German. Curing magic did not work here, and I no longer had the link to Illana. Wizz [NPC] did not have his link to Vull but Ah Hung [Steven] did have his link to Grism (though, Grism has no heal spells).

Ah Hung volunteered to have the Speak-German suppository inserted; it was the diameter of an egg and long as his gnome foot. After some painful and eye-watering minutes, he had it in.

"Oh mein Gott. Das ist völliger Agonie," he whimpered, half-sobbing, as he hobbled around.


Out in the corridor, we encountered two guards. Despite being armed with rifles and lugers, we managed to drop them. Peg Groups [Ian] got shot in the arm.


Then we progressed through the ship, encountering and dispatching soldiers, and amassing a collection of three MP40 machine guns, two rifles and two lugers. It turned out, much to our advantage, that one of the high commanders of the airship was an evil double of Yeti [Darryl]. Several of the guards acknowledged Yeti as their leader, until they realized their mistake, but it was too late then. There was probably a whole platoon of soldiers on the airship, so we didn't want to encounter them all at once.

In the stern cabin, peering through the port-hole, we espied one waiter, two guards, two lieutenants and the actual Yeti look-alike. He was physically identical to our Yeti, dressed in the regalia of a Reichsmarschall, had a wicked scar above his left eye, and radiated evil like some demon from Hell. 


Guessing that he would have a high-tech high-magic plate embedded in him, like Bad Santa, and that this was the key to go home, we launched a two pronged attack into the cabin. 


The instant we started firing, the evil Yeti started to morph into something huge black and dark. Wizz, John Wayne [Shane], and our Yeti, froze in terror for a few moments, and the evil Yeti sent out tendrils of darkness into me. The tendrils possessed me, but thankfully Wizz managed to chop them off.

The soldiers soon died, followed by the lieutenants. We suffered some heavy damage ourselves: I went down with a horrendous chest wound, Peg Groups had his arm smashed to pulp, and Light Touch [Jeff] had his arm blown off and vaporized into a red mist. But six well-placed Healing suppositories cured us enough to defeat the  Reichsmarschall. He was destroyed in a hail of MP40 bullets, double-handed sword strikes and Ah Hung's tenacious mace. Mention in dispatches to Peg Groups for firing a MP40 one-armed, to Ah Hung for some pin-point long-bow shooting, and to our Yeti for a lucky blast with the MP40.


We had two Regeneration suppositories in our collection. When one of these was inserted into the hapless helpless armless harmless Light Touch, the stump of his destroyed arm started to slowly regrow.

The Airship

Back in the caves, we headed down a passage to a store room. It was empty, so back-tracked to a locked door. Since all was quiet behind, Light Touch opened and we glanced inside. It was a large chamber, in which was thirty to forty coffins and sarcophagi. Investigating further, many of the coffin lids had frightening images, frozen in the stone, of the suffering occupants struggling to get out - a la Han Solo in his Jabba's carbonite coffin.

There was an ominous slopping sound out in the passage. A gelatinous cube, presumably from the "empty" store room, was working its way up the passage. We beat a hasty and well-formed retreat, to avoid being trapped in the coffin room, and returned back to the steps, where the cube could not follow.

There was now only three viable routes: the first was outside to the valley filled with humanoids, the second was through the new one-way portal that had formed in the outer passage, and the third was back to the throne room with the twelve skeletons and skeleton lord.

We took on the skeletons. After a difficult battle, all twelve were downed. The skeleton lord, on the throne, turned out to be just a non-animated skeleton. But as we were about to leave, three tough skeletons arrived. These were the skeleton lord and his two lieutenants. It was a tough battle, but we vanquished them. I cured everyone up, we rested and recharged, and then ...

...went into the other one-way portal.

We arrived in a small metal room filled with hundreds of animal cages, stuffed with animals of different sizes. Right from the smallest vole to large salt-water crocs. The room had port-holes, and outside it showed we were hanging from a huge dirigible, and were flying high above the clouds. We could hear the engines droning away the whole time.

The Thermodynamics of One-way Portals

One-way portals are standard fare in many adventures. The archetype allows an object to pass only one way though the portal. If a stick is shoved in half-way, it cannot be pulled back. Similarly, if you shove your arm in, it can't be pulled back, and you have to move deeper in.

But if we look closely at the physics and thermodynamics involved around the portal boundary, we run into a few problems...

Air

Standard air that we breathe is made up mainly of heaps of Nitrogen and Oxygen molecules whizzing around bumping into to each other, like ping-pong balls in a tube. And, boy, do they whizz! At normal air pressure (one atmosphere), they're moving at about 500m/s. Granted, they only get to move a tiny distance before they bang into another molecule, but still; they are moving this fast. If you introduce the one-way portal to the air, the air molecules at the portal boundary will shoot through it, and they can not come back. Any molecule near the boundary is going to end up crossing it, or will bounce into another molecule near it, and cross it. Very quickly, you'll end up with a vacuum on the portal boundary.

Looking at our Caves of Chaos black dome, the air surrounding the dome will try to fill the vacuum, and this will manifest itself as a wind - a phenomenal wind - blowing into the dome. This wind will be faster than the biggest hurricanes and tornadoes we see on Earth. Its theoretical limit will be the speed of sound, but with the turbulence and ground-effect, you get about 70% of this. That, however, is still pretty damn quick: 240m/s, or 850km/h. This is still more than twice as strong as the strongest hurricane and tornado winds ever measured - they are around a wussy 400km/s - and will be enough to not only tear whole trees from the ground, but dirt and rocks too. The only thing left around ground zero would be bedrock and whatever the dome is attached to.

You would certainly get localized weather effects too. With the massive pressure gradient, water from the air would condense into clouds, and you would certainly get a spinning vortex, a la a tornado, around Ground Zero. The sight from Pind would be impressive - a black funnel cloud extending into the sky, with ensuing storms and lightning. There would be a massive roar too: a continuous background-growl of a thousand freight trains.

Luckily for Pind and the Shadowlands keep, the speed of these winds into the portal dome will drop off at the square of the distance. The black dome was 1km in radius, so you will get the mach 1 winds on the edge. Out at 2km, we're down to 200km/h. And at the 15km campsite, it is just a 4km/h zephyr.

Inside the dome would be Hell on Earth. As an inhabitant, you would see a wave of destruction hurling towards you at almost mach 1, tossing trees and dirt. It would smash everything over, and it wouldn't stop. There would be secondary sonic shockwaves bouncing off the ground and the pressure fronts of the incoming air. And with pressure comes temperature; within a few seconds, these would rocket up. From the snowy frosty night of -10C, to an inferno of 250C in 1.3 seconds.  The pressure and temp would keep ramping up and up utterly burning everything inside the dome. The next notable stage would be at 46 seconds when the pressure hits 34 atmospheres which is when Nitrogen gas (the main component of air) becomes a supercritical fluid, and no longer behaves as an ideal gas. That gives us the small consolation that means it doesn't get so hot so fast, though by now we are at 8000C. (Tungsten, the element with highest melting point, melts at 3422C, and turns to gas at 5555C)

Molecular

Looking at the molecular level, as the molecules (mainly oxygen and nitrogen) fly across the portal boundary, there would be a fraction of a second where the portal boundary divides the molecule. The molecular and electrostatic bonds between the atoms would suddenly be at half strength (can only pull one way). The side-effect of this means that the molecule would fly apart into its component atoms. But then, as soon as these atoms pass entirely into the dome, they would recombine - and release the bond energy of the molecules as heat. Taking our most common gas, the triple bond of nitrogen's N2 molecule is one of the strongest bonds there is (945KJ/mol), so when one cubic-meter of N2 is recombined, it releases 84MJ of energy (a single-bar heater for 23 hours, or burn 2.4 litres of petrol). Bearing in mind that our in-flow of gas is 240 cumecs for each 1 metre-square section of the dome, this is a lot of extra heat. Now our poor sap in the dome will see a huge fireball roaring at him at mach 1.

 Atomic

Looking down at the atomic level, things get even worse. A similar thing will happen with the nuclei of the atoms entering. The strong nuclear force that holds the nucleus together will be briefly broken causing protons and neutrons will disassociate as they pass into the dome. When this plasma recombines, it is going to do all sorts of strange things. You probably won't get the same atoms that went in. But whatever happens, I would hazard a guess you'd get even more energy. It'd probably be in the order of ten times what we have already.

Subatomic

You could apply this logic to the protons and neutrons too. They'd disassociate into their component quarks, and pre-ons and other strange subatomic particles. What this soup of elementary particles would produce is anyone's guess, but rest assured, it would be heaps more energy. Probably another ten times.

So what is our conclusion here?

• Beware of one-way portals.

• Don't go anywhere near a one-way portal.

• Don't live inside a dome

• Never give a gun to ducks.

The Universe is Strange

(posted by Chris)

With the blood of Santa and his little elves staining the snow, most of the party moved into the keep to search for toys.  They found little of interest except Light Touch, well-beaten, bound upside-down and naked with a wooden bung on the second level.  With him was a manacled prisoner – what appeared to be a male gnome of Asian origin.

“Hi guys” the gnome said waving cheerily.  “Finally, you came back for me!  I really thought you’d just sacrificed me.”  The gnome paused when he saw Carla and his eyes narrowed worriedly.  “Huh?”

The gnome was released and he introduced himself as Ah Hung – actually also a Christchurch roleplayer who had travelled through the portal in Jackson’s Bay but more like two years ago.  The group even recalled Ah Hung as someone who had played with them once or twice years ago.  However, it turned out that Ah Hung actually came from another universe where there was a different version of Christchurch – what sounded like a hell world of slavery, oppression, violence and fascist rule.  The party that Ah Hung was travelling with was similar to that of the group, but different. 

Carla was ‘gnown’ to him as Carnilla (and she was an evil high-bred drow), Yeti as Sweaty, John Wayne as Marion Morrison, Light Touch as Tight Bunch, Peg Groups as Leg Pokes and Whizz as Phizz.

The other party had been travelling and adventuring in the Prime Material plane for nearly two years under Carnilla’s leadership doing and collecting a number of strange things that she had never really explained to Ah Hung or the others, but focussing her efforts to the south of the Keep on the Borderlands.

They had visited the Caves of Chaos a few times, most recently several days ago when their group had also found the portal dome, and Carnilla had pushed him through to see what lay on the other side.  Carnilla and the rest of his group had not, however, come through to try and save him afterwards.

Ah Hung was invited to stick with the group.

Outside Santa’s keep, John Wayne had noticed that Santa’s suit was perfectly clean and fresh and apparently untouched by the messy combat that had just taken place.

“Ooh, magical,” he muttered, stripping Santa’s body of all clothes.

Once the body was unclothed, John Wayne noticed a huge scar across the belly.  He prodded it and felt a solid square plate of some sort under the flesh.  With a knife he cut it out.

The plate was around 30 cm a side and looked like an odd mix of high technology alloys with magical runes partly inscribed but fading into complex patterns that, in turn, shifted to what looked like an unfinished and largely unformed corner.  It radiated magic.

As John Wayne lifted the plate from Santa’s body, the world shimmered and faded.  John found himself back in the Prime Material plane about a hundred metres back from the valley holding the Caves of Chaos.  There were several cries and screams of alarm as the rest of the group (who were on the third floor of Santa’s grotto) dropped from the sky landing in a thick bunch of bushes.

The group healed a few scrapes and bruises and beat a hasty retreat – noting that the portal dome that had been over the valley was now gone, but a Dome of Night was covering the same area.

The group reached their campsite on the other side of the river and three hours travel away near dusk.  They settled down for a quiet night of rest.

John Wayne took this opportunity to put on the Santa suit.  It was not what he expected.  It adjusted its size perfectly to his body and plunged dozens of probes into his body – almost becoming a second skin.

“Umm,” is that wise, Carla inquired.  “Take it off.”

“I can’t,” John admitted after a brief attempt.

Whizz put his hand to his forehead.  “Eeeeeviiiiillllll,” he moaned pointing at the suit.

The group considered options but eventually decided to just wait and see what happened.

With the coming of morning the group struck camp and were getting ready to move out when there was a puff of smoke and Axminster appeared.  He was visible only for a moment before his body twisted oddly, flattened and was then replaced by another figure.  The figure was probably male, but with a tiny body and huge bulbous hairless head.  It was wearing a silver unitard and had what appeared to be an acme ray gun holstered at its side.

"Hello adventurers," the newcomer said.  "I am Mentoz.

There was a wary silence.

Mentoz continued.  "I have come to tell you what you must do and why."

Everyone eyed the raygun.

Mentoz spoke.  "The universe is far stranger than you might imagine," he said loftily.  "I have travelled from far in your future to tell you what must be done and why."

They stared at him expectantly and he continued in a pompous self-important tone.  "All things have a beginning; a point, a place, a thing, an event.  The universe began at a point far away, but with a thing and an event that is here - or to be specific that is several miles underneath us, but that for all intents and purposes might as well be here."  He paused and scanned the group.  "Most of you are familiar with the basic high-school physics experiment where a magnet is laid under paper and iron filings are scattered across the paper - yes?  Good, underneath us is an object that was present at the very beginning of the universe and that shaped how the universe took form.  It is essentially intertwined with everything else in the universe - but the universe itself has organised itself along the fields generated by this object.  There are eighteen habitable dimensions and 126 dimensions where existence, and indeed the various laws of nature themselves, break down and make life either impossible or monstrously different.  There is power running through each dimension and power between the dimensions.  Travel between them is possible in places or with objects finely attuned to the first object.  Are you following me so far?"

Everyone nodded dutifully.

"Very good.  Some creatures are more attuned to the field that drives the interaction of matter and energy and a smaller number still are able to shape it - either directly or through the use of various foci.  All of you have that sensitivity - I'm sure of it, or you would not be here.  In fact most everything with sentience that occupies these around this place by its own choice, rather than upbringing or compulsion is also sensitive to it.  Your sensitivity is evidenced by the fact you are stronger and more powerful here than the dimension from which you originated.  The more dimensional shifts you make from this prime material plane the greater the likelihood you will lose some or all of your gained powers - except in those few remarkable places where the universe itself has open links to the first object or one of its inter-dimensional shadows.  Still with me?"

"Excellent.  I am one of a group of plane travellers who attempt to keep order in the universe.  It is not easy as those with the greatest affinity to the power exercise powers that you would regard as godlike while others only discover their powers in groups, or in the presence of certain objects.  That is why some forms of association are now universally banned for bringing more sensitive creatures together - this includes several forms of animistic worship and every form of role-playing.  It is also why the appearance of certain objects almost universally cause inter-dimensional disasters and are outlawed in across most galaxies - including camp stretchers, caltrops, eleven-foot poles, shoe buckles, grappling hooks and broad beans."

"Uhh, broad beans?"

Mentoz's face grew dark.  "Pray you never find out exactly why they are forbidden.  But, I digress.  There are three types of creature in the universe.  Nodal, Modal and Shadow.  Nodal exist in all dimensions and are often worshipped or feared as gods.  Modal recur in many of the 18 habitable dimensions.  They are not numerous, but they are the ones, like yourselves, who have the greatest affinity to the universe and its powers.  Shadow creatures are all others – usually living simple, dull lives never touching or being greatly touched by power.”

"But that is not why I'm here. The Altar of Chaos sits above the first object.  The priests are using it to open portals over this valley and to hold them open as a way of stopping you from attacking them.  What they don't realise is the enormous damage this is causing to the space-time.  Plane travel is possible, but can only be safely done by using natural gates between the realms or particular devices that are highly attuned to one or more of the realms.  They have opened the portals by punching holes into contiguous universes and this threatens everything.  You must close any such portal they open and end the control of the priests over the altar.  Once closed, it will take the priests a day or more to create another similar sized portal. 

"But what assistance can you offer us in this mater" asked John.

"None" intones Mentoz "I am unable to interfere directly."

“What nothing at all,” John Wayne said incredulously. 

Mentoz shuffled his feet and handed over a small metal case.   

“These may be of use.  Ten of them will heal, two will regenerate and one will give you command of the German language.”

John Wayne opened the case and found what appeared to be suppositories – ten in green, two in blue and one huge hens-egg sized one in gold.  “Oooh, that’s going to hurt,” he muttered.

Mentoz made a strange gesture.  “Till we meet again,” he called, then disappeared with a pop.

The group discussed the visitation as they retraced their steps to the Caves of Chaos.  They approached the caves away from the river and, using illusions and some smart sneaking by Light Touch were able to get past an ogre guard post and into the particular cave complex where they believed the Altar of Chaos itself was located.

Light Touch scouted while the others waited at the cave entrance.  He found two doors down a corridor – one with a light and muttering coming from behind it, and the other in complete darkness.  Further along the corridor he came to a T-junction.  In one direction the corridor ran along for fifty metres before angling south.  In the other direction, the corridor ran for ten metres and opened out into a large square chamber of red and black stone with a gigantic altar in its centre.  The walls of the chamber were carved with intricate friezes of twisted, tortured figures.  The whole place had an unwholesome feel and Light Touch backed out rapidly and returned to report.

The group didn’t want any enemies behind them as they moved into the complex, so they decided to take on the door with the light and the muttering.  Yeti and John Wayne readied fireballs while Peg Groups and Whizz got ready to follow up with swords and maces.

When everyone was ready, the door was flung open to reveal a small chamber with four beds, a table and a small shrine.  There were two humans sleeping in the beds, another sitting on the edge of a bed and a fourth at the shrine.  Two fire-balls took out two of the enemies instantly and scorched the others.  Peg Groups quickly cut down the others.

As the bodies hit the ground, dark mist-like smoke emerged from them and drifted out the door and down the corridor towards the T-junction.

“Umm, follow it?” said Carla uncertainly.  The party did.

The smoke led them into the room with the altar.  It went past the altar and into a darkened corner that no-one had really looked into previously.  There was a figure there – a man with improbably black skin, wearing completely black clothes.  He was tall and powerfully built and he stepped forward.

As various people reached for weapons or backed down the corridor, the man raised a reassuring hand.  For some reason everyone released their weapons.

“Interesting,” the man said – his voice a stentorian bass that rumbled the air in the room. 

He beckoned to Carla who obediently went and stood before him.  One part of her mind was screaming, but her body seemed incapable of responding.  The man took her chin in two fingers and gazed into her eyes.  She felt his mind exploring hers and, as he did, she gained the merest glimpse of his own mind.  It was vast, powerful and utterly alien.  It shook her and filled her with incomprehension and fear.  She glimpsed impossible creatures and places in his mind and events and encounters beyond anything she would have through possible.

After nearly a minute the man released her.  One by one, he called over Yeti, John Wayne and then Whizz and did the same to them.  

“You all have great potential,” he said once his strange inspections were complete.  “I shall watch with interest.”

He then stepped back to his corner and merged into the darkness and was gone.

The shaken party staggered out of altar room to consider their next move.  To their consternation they found that the corridor leading the other way out of the T-junction was now blocked by a wall of perfect darkness.  A quick poke with a stick confirmed it was a portal – one-way like the other one.

“It’s been less than a day,” Carla muttered.  “Those cheating priests!”

The group decided to explore the other door they had found.  It led to a short flight of stairs down with what appeared to be dungeons beyond.  

In one room, the party found a half dozen kobolds being tortured by a large and tough jailer.  A brief battle saw him cut down.  The gnomes then had fun cutting up the kobolds.

In another darkened room, the party heard a woman’s voice calling for assistance.

“Umm guys,” said Carla.  “I remember running the Keep of the Borderlands module years ago.  I seem to recall there was a medusa somewhere around here.”

With that caution, the party backed quickly away.

Bad Santa

The invisible Yeti arrived back to us after conversing with Light Touch, and reported on his state. Much discussion ensued, but we all feared those silver staves, so we sat back and observed.

Yeti told us that he had made it very clear to Light Touch to wait for us to make the first move, and to not try anything stupid. Well, we assume Light Touch neglected to follow these instructions, because he was soon brought outside, from the long-house, and strung up on a whipping cross. Already he was limping from a beating.

Even from our spying-distance, at the tree line, we could hear Light Touch's shouted taunts and invective aimed at the drow.

"Is that all you've got, you lilly-livered black honkeys?!"

The drow started to whip him with a large stock whip. Light Touch would scream hysterically from the obvious agony after each lash, but would then continue with his insane tirade: "Call that a lash?! I've been beaten by baby elves harder than that! And they had broken arms. You bunch of black pussies!"

Eventually the beating was so severe that he passed out.

"Zees is not the Light Touch I know," I muttered disconsolately. "Something 'as come over 'eem."

"It's almost as if he 'as a new soul. A temporary one mayhaps, " mused Peg Groups dryly.

The drow dragged the bleeding broken body inside the main mansion.

"Pick the drow off one at a time," was the plan.

So we set up an ambush. Sure enough, we targetted a solitary drow who had ventured out. He was no match for our combined force, and in a hail of crossbow bolts, and sword strikes he went down.

And now we had a silver staff. John Wayne played with it a bit. There was a trigger, an on-off switch, a power setting and a charge left meter. On maximum, the damage was phenomenal, but at that setting, there was only one of two shots.

Two drow were sent out to search for their missing comrade. With the staff and conventional weapons, they were soon dropped. This did cost us the entire energy from the first staff, but now we had two more.

And any damage we received, I could cure. I did not have my link to Illana, nor my "Illana gift" spells, but my "normal" priesty spells worked. And I could recharge.

An hour or so later, floating over the mansion, was the large red sleigh. In it were two drow with staves, and bad Santa himself. It was totally silent and eerily floated towards us.

Yeti cast an illusion of snow and woods and we hid under it. So they hovered over the entire area, saw nothing, and presumably got bored and returned to base.

An hour later, John Wayne went in to town, invisible (a la Yeti), and shot the sleigh with the staff on full-power. He punched a hole in the side of it and it started to burn. That staff was now empty, so he returned to us.

Soon followed a mighty bellow of rage, which echoed like a clarion call in the frosty night air.

The drow then all withdrew to central mansion, to hunker down.

Yeti rested and recharged, then made Peg Groups and Wizz invisible and they snuck up to the building.

Yeti, John Wayne and me hid by the tree line, 30 metres (Medium range) from the mansion.

There was one elf in the top of the mansion, staff at the ready, all the time.

Peg Groups and Wizz then tried to get inside, but just as they made a move, the main door flew open and out rushed four drow plus Santa himself.

They all had staves and Santa had an enormous bladed-whip. We fired. Two drow engaged Peg and Wizz. while, while the other two and Santa engaged us. Despite being 30 metres away, Santa's whip was long enough to reach us. Luckily, he missed. But we didn't and he, and the final four when down in a hail of cross-bow bolts, sword strikes, and staff bolts.

Peg and Wizz were massively damaged, so I had to use up all my cures on them.

The Black Dome

We trained to level two.

After this, Dogbert, the Keep's priest of Grism (also my trainer), sought us out.

"I need you lot of investigate some strange and evil goings on. Downstream the Aldure river, at the village of Pind, there is a branch of the river that heads to the south. The source of this evil is down there. Go and investigate it."

An hour later we were on our way. The trip back to Pind, across the Aldure ford, and past the ruins of the Elric temple took two days. We made camp.

The next day, about three hours' away, we found an eerie valley with at least eight leering cave mouths. Using evil sense, we found the most foul and entered it.

Inside was a large passage, interesting marble floor and walls, and eight zombies.

These were soon dispatched, and deeper on in was a large room with twelve skeletons and some skeletal creature seated upon a throne. The skeletons were sent against us, and after a short sharp battle, we destroyed a handful of them, and had to retreat, out of power and heals.

Mention in dispatches goes to Light Touch [Jeff] for throwing a Molotov oil flask over the heads of me, Peg Groups [Ian] and Whizz, striking the ceiling, and showering us in flaming oil.

We retreated to our camp, rested, and then returned to the caves. Peg Groups and Light Touch spotted two gnolls and an ogre encamped in a copse, presumably as guards.

Yeti [ Darryl] made Peg Groups and Whizz invisible (this is Somebody-Else's-Problem (SEP). invisibility, not true invisibility) and they skulked down to the copse. With the surprise afforded by the invisibility, the ogre and the gnoll were easily dispatched. The final gnoll died too, but not before he shrieked and screamed raising alarm. And alarm bells started to sound, so we fled back to camp.

It was an uneventful night, but next morning we could see an enormous black dome was over the entire valley and caves. This was huge; probably a thousand paces in diameter.

We approached it tentatively and had a good look. It was like the inky blackness of a Darkness spell. But this was no Darkness spell I had ever met before - it was so huge. Light Touch decided to sneak into it. As he entered his body appeared to elongate as he progressed, then vanished into the gloom.

I took a stick and slid it in - it was impossible to withdraw. Oh dear. Similar tricks were tried with stones, rope, and a beetle on a string. Inward progression was easy, but nothing could move back out.

We sat down and contemplated. Pros and cons were discussed, and eventually it was decided, if we do nothing, we will never see Light Touch again. In for a penny, in for a pound. We held our breath and entered as a whole...

... into an eerie twilight world. There was some light from who knows where, and you could see the inside of the dome. There was deep snow on the ground, and the forest was evergreen unlike the temperate deciduous we had left. Disturbingly, my link to Illana and Whizz's link to Vull had stopped. I still had my priestess spells but no Illana's gift spells.

There was no sign of Light Touch, but we could see his footprints in the snow, and see his heroic, but futile, attempts to go back out through the dome. Then his prints headed off towards the centre, so we followed them.

Further on in was a village and next to it was four enormous long-houses. There was a tall mansion next to this, and beside it a large red sleigh. There were some people, humans, living in the village, but what caught our interest were a handful of strange pale elves. They were akin to drow, dressed in shimmering silver robes and they carried silver staves - each with a barrel. We saw one shoot a person. It seemed the drow were slave masters over the wretched people who lived here.

Just then, the door to the tall mansion opened and an obese guy, with a long white beard dressed all in red with white trim, stomped out. He was in a foul temper, bellowing, cussing and swearing, and even the drow were scared of him. He stomped around a bit, went into one of the long-houses, then returned to the mansion.

Yeti went invisible and sneaked into one of the long-houses. It was a large workshop with hundreds of people making toys. Light Touch was there, building toys with the rest; he was inserting the manes and tails into plastic My Little Ponies. Yeti caught Light Touch's attention and this meant he could see Yeti through the SEP invisibility field. Light Touch was manacled to the workers on either side of him, so Yeti surrepticiously passed him some wire lock-picks for later, and told Light Touch to stay put until we do something. Yeti only had ten minutes before the spell ran out, so quickly left back to us.

Guards Extraordinaire

Back at the Shadowlands Keep we went in to the Free Adventurers' Guild.

"Time for you lot to train," squealed Winstone.

So he sent us to various individuals in the Keep, and after more zen-like training ("hold this spoon for two hours while standing on one leg", "place your boobs into this vise", "copy this phrase 374 times", etc) we all emerged as "Level One".

Me, Whizz [DM] and Peg Groups [Ian] went to the potion merchant and asked to see his "random stock". He commented that the risk is all ours as none of it had been identified. We took our Axminster-prescribed colours (green, blue and black) and drank them. My one increased Charisma, Whizz's increased his Strength and Peg Groups' increased his Speed.

On the FAG notice boards there were a collection of jobs for would-be adventurers such as us. Ranging from the sublime "guards wanted" to the ridiculous "volunteers required for magical experiments". We chose one that looked promising "Adventurers required for helping trainers".

The job was to help some adventurer trainers train a group of level four adventurers up to level five. These level four guys were to guard a small red box, the size of a shoe box, and would hide in a long-abandoned derelict house. We would try to storm it. We would have a referee with us and they would have one too. And everyone would use padded weapons and padded armour. Lethal magic was to be done with phrases without casting spells, and the refs would decide the effect.

We snuck up to the target house after the exercise had started. It was a two-storey wreck, with great big holes in the roof, and had a similarly dilapidated adjoining barn. Light Touch [Jeff], with our referee in discrete tow, snuck around to reconnoitre while the rest of us waited nearby. He spotted an elf ranger in the woods, and shot her. Our ref said "you're dead" and so she had to withdraw from the exercise. He also spotted another guard high in the damaged roof.

We skulked into the barn and searched a little. John Wayne [Shane] and Light Touch went to explore more outside, leaving the rest of us in the barn, but our ref stayed inside. With this tip-off, John and Light Touch returned and we decided to concentrate our efforts in the barn, when ... all hell broke loose. Three of their party, and their ref, were hiding in the barn behind an illusionary wall. They managed to drop several of us, but we had superior numbers and got them all. And the box. Game over for them.

The next exercise was the same thing reversed. The level four party would attack us, and we would hide the red box inside the house.

While we were discussing what to do, and before the exercise had begun, there was suddenly an enormous BANG. Something had landed in the abandoned library of the house. We peered through the door. There was a new hole in the ceiling, in a perfect circle, and the whole room was freezing cold, frost everywhere. Both Whizz and I sensed evil, but it was fast dissipating. The ref scratched his head and went back to town to speak with the other ref. They also summoned some magical support from the Keep: the head priest and a mage. These two duly arrived and inspected the phenomenon.

"We are only tenth level," they muttered. "This is outside our experience."

So they took some samples in specimen jars and headed off.

Both refs shrugged and the exercise was on again, though the library was declared out-of-bounds.

We hid the red box under the steps to the front door. And then waited.

Late into the night, the other party arrived in various manners.

Their wizard tried to levitate into the hole in the roof, but he stuffed up and ended up tangled in ropes. "You're dead" snapped our ref.

Their thief arrived the same route but we spotted and got him. "You're dead"

The rest of their group snuck in invisible and silent, and the battle was met.

I "killed" one with my crossbow. But was then "killed" back.
Whizz "killed" their tank, but was slept and "killed". Peg Groups was "killed" too.
John Wayne damaged one, but then was "killed". Light Touch "killed" this one, but that broke his cover and he was soon "killed" himself.

This left only Yeti  [Darryl]and their fighter. In an extraordinary feat of luck, Yeti managed to drop the guy with his glaive, much to everyone's surprise.

To be honest, several of the referee calls went in our favour in this battle. The ref didn't know what one of the fire spells did cast by their mage (it would have dropped two of us), and several of our hits on their fighters would have only been flesh wounds rather than death calls.

But this didn't stop us gloating the hell out of them.

"Two nil! Two nil!" sang Yeti in his thin reedy voice.

We returned to the Keep triumphant, Whizz and I leading the marching song:

Onward Grism's soldiers, marching as to war,

with the sword of Vull going on before.

Vull, the royal master, leads against the foe;

forward into battle see his banners go!

At the sign of triump Deidra's host doth flee;

on then, Grism's soldiers, on to victory!

Zaahl's foundations quiver at the shout we raise;

sisters, lift your voices, loud Illana's praise.

Onward then, ye people, Grism leads the throng,
blend with ours your voices in Illana's song.
Glory, laud, and honour until Vull the King,
this through countless ages men and half-elves sing.

Tucker's Kobolds

Note: The term "Tucker's Kobolds" has become part of D&D lore. It comes from an article in Dragon Magazine #127 (1987) where, in a game run by a DM named Tucker, an ordinary tribe of kobolds used traps, ambushes and local knowledge to significantly challenge a high-level party, going against the stereotype of kobolds posing no threat. With that in mind ...

Down in the lower level of the tomb was a pool of water. Light Touch happened to be sloshing through this water and he noticed his foot didn't actually get wet. So we had a closer look and sure enough, the water was illusionary. It covered a trap door. Down below was a small room with a bier and a corpse of a gnome on it. Light Touch was lowered in on a rope. As soon as he passed into the room, the whole place turned into a palatial room, with gold trappings and beautiful furnishings. The gnome of the beir was still a corpse, but was robed in splendour. Light Touch touched the floor and ... **BANG**.

We pulled the charred smoking piece of meat back up. I emptied my curing power into him, and got him healthy again. It takes me eight hours of solid sleep to recharge my power. During this time, John Wayne risked going down himself. Luckily, there were no further traps. After the fire, there was not much left of the gnome corpse. But it did have a golden gnome g-string, totally untouched by the flames; obviously magic. John risked putting it on. He is a stout gnome fellow, with a bulging ale-gut and glutes like there is no tomorrow, but when he wore the g-string, and despite all this, and despite it vanishing into the pasty folds of his gnome butt-crevass, it actually made him look better! Ironically, the magic of the G-string increased his charisma; it only worked when he wore nothing but the G-string from the waist down.

Further on in was another secret door, followed by a long thin passage that terminated in another small door. Whizz gave it a mighty shove and it sprung open - into a cavern. A large cavern with stream and natural caves. However, there were kobolds here, ten, maybe twenty. They all started to shriek in their little raspy kobold voices and rushed at us. We managed to fire a few desultory cross-bow quarrels and battle was joined. It was about now we realized we were totally unmatched for kobold melee, so we bid a brave and hasty retreat. Two kobolds wiggled past the door before Whizz managed to jam it closed, and these two wretches dropped John Wayne and Peg Groups before we killed them. I cured them with Illana's power, but it drained me and we were forced to rest.

During my resting recharging time, the sneaky kobolds skulked around the to the front entrance of the tomb and attacked. They had magic support from their shaman ("sha-kobold"?). It was touch and go, but we managed to force them out again. The remaining kobolds took positions on top of the tomb tower and in the surrounding trees. Any attempt we made to leave, they would shoot. Light Touch found out the hard way; and was shot through the head with a magnificent shot, entering his eye socket, skewering the brain, and coming to rest lodged in his half-elven pineal gland. Again, I had to use all my power to restore him.

Running out of options, we decided to risk returning to the original cave. Sure enough, the kobolds were all gone, except that there were a bunch of kobold women and children. Whizz detected them as evil, so he and the boys waded in and slaughtered them all. I can safely say I don't have the blood of any innocents on my conscience, but it was a nasty brutal mess.

Leaving out through the cave entrance, we emerged in the woods, and found the remaining kobolds in their positions of ambush. It was our turn to be the ambushers, and a short while later, all kobolds were dead. The only notable thing from this battle was that Light Touch fumbled his bow shot and skewered me with an arrow through my liver. I still wonder how he did this considering  I was behind a tree and he was pointing away from me.

After resting and healing and resting, we headed back to the Lizardman mound in the centre of the swamp and summoned the lizardman shaman. He thanked us for our good work (recall, we had identified why his braves got corrupted by that evil item in the tower), and gave us an item and his best wishes.

So we headed back to the Keep.

The Feather Duster

We arrived at the lizardman trading post. A lizardman shaman (sha-lizard?) arrived, with his entourage, and after a bit of sybilant small-talk, informed us that some braves from his tribe had been corrupted by some foulness from a tower near the swamp. This has been happening for the last few months, so the lizardmen have noticed. He wished us to go and investigate it.

Half a day later, we left the swamp and entered the surrounding forest. Sure enough, there was a old stone tower here; about four storeys tall, and over a hundred years old. There was a hole smashed in the side of the tower allowing access to the bottom storey. By the vegetation on the stones, we guessed this hole was about a year old.

Inside were the dessicated corpses of three adventurers, slumped against the far wall.

Whiss did a scan with his affected head-ache stance and barked "I sense EEEEVVILLL".

Just then there was a loud bang and a bright flash of light, outside in the clearing. A wizard fellow in a velour stars & moons outfit, pointy hat, grey-beard and all, appeared.

"I am Axminster," he said in a rich and full baritone. "I have come to help you! My price will be a favour from each of you when you are more experienced."

Since he showed no sign of evil, Me, Whizz [ NPC ] and Peg Groups [ Ian ] agreed. Yeti [ Darryl ], John Wayne [ Shane ] and Light Touch [ Jeff ] refused.

We signed a demonically enforced contract, and Axminster intoned: "Don't go up. What you seek is below the tower. But search first for three indentations in the ceiling."

"And," added Axminster eerily. "Since you trusted me so, when you are back in Shadowlands Keep, you three go to the local potion merchant and ask to see his 'random stock'. You, Carla, take the green potion, you, Whizz, take the blue one, and you, Peg Groups, take the black one. Drink this, all of you, in remembrance of me."

With that, he vanished in a puff of greasy black smoke.

We sent Light Touch in and he did a brief search of the single room, and found nothing at first, though a thorough check of the corpses (three humans; on tea-leaf and two fighters) revealed that one was wearing an excessively evil gauntlet. We buried this foul thing in a hole, deep as we could dig, outside. The bodies appeared to have been killed about a year ago by some trap that they had set off by a loose brick on the walls - some kind of gas. Sure enough, there were several other similar bricks on the walls. Also in the room near the bodies was some relatively fresh lizardman blood, gleaming greenly on the floor. (Lizardmen have green blood - the haem iron in their blood is a different allotrope). We suspect that maybe the lizardmen braves who went mad, entered here and that they touched the cursed gauntlet.

The ceiling of the room was plastered, and through this could be seen three indentations. Under the plaster near these bumps was a recessed pulley. Directly below the pulley, under the plaster of the floor, was a large plug, like a bathtub plug, ring and all, made out of stone. So, we tied some adventurers' rope to the ring, passed it through the ceiling pulley, and then most of us hung from it. Sure enough, the plug lifted revealing a hole.

Down in the dark was a small passage. Light Touch spotted a trapped pit which spanned the width of the passage. It was only a small jump across, so he did ... and triggered an identical pit trap on the far side. Luckily, he was well-harnessed with rope, so ended up dangling over some spears. But beyond that trap was a sturdy floor. However, it was also trapped - darts fired from holes in the wall. After that, a blank wall.

Thorough searching ensued. On the wall of the base of the pit was a small door and through it another short passage. On the ceiling this time, there was a trap door. And exploring it lead to another passage which opened into a room.

There was a statue of a gnome here, wearing a tiara and holding a feather duster and a staff with a glowing end. His name "Hellian" was emblazoned on the stand of the statue, and sure enough, deeper into the room, in an alcove, was an obsidian beir on which was his dessicated body - also holding a staff, feather duster and tiara.

Light Touch skulked into the room, but failed to notice a trip wire on one of the steps. A fireball exploded near him, burning him a little - which I healed. John Wayne, foolishly thinking that the fireball trap was the only one, rushed over to the beir... and triggered another fireball trap. This almost killed him, but again Illana's curing magic saved him from death's dark door. The heat was so intense that it melted the tiara, burned the staff and almost destroyed the gnome corpse. The feather duster, however, was unharmed. Light Touch grabbed it and then felt the unmistakable urge to clean clean clean. And boy, did it clean! He spent the next few minutes satisfyingly dusting away all soot from the fireballs and burnt gnome meat (John Wayne and the corpse).

Now out of power, I suggested we withdraw somewhere safe for me to recharge and rest. We found a spot in the tomb.