Mon 9-Jun-1603 (30-May)
The group was in Fallis, and admiring their new gunpowder keg, reward for their work: Art [Jeff], Roma [Chris], Sean [Shane], Thomas [Kevin], Ab Siddy [Darryl], Baron [Deacon, absent], and Elrick [Ian absent, but played by Charlotte].
Catriona and her rebels were about to head inland to the concealed Rinalmead Fort with the new stock of weapons, the gunpowder and cannons delivered by the Spanish. She asked if the party wanted to come too.
The party had a chat among themselves. Roma wanted to stay back and harry the English. He was pretty sure they could go to the Kinsale docks, and sneak on board and steal one of the packets. That, or sink it.
While they were talking, there was a disturbance at the wharf. A dory was headed up the Stick river towards Fallis wharf. Worried that the dory occupants were English, orders were shouted, and everyone hid or found cover. But instead of English soldiers, four well-dressed men and a lady stepped onto the wharf. They were Spaniards! Catriona, a bunch of O'Neill elders, and the party rushed out to greet them.
The lady could speak English, and she introduced herself as Contessa Garcia Lopez of Barcelona. They had come from another Spanish warship, the
Santa Fe, standing at anchor off the coast, out of sight. Its crew was not as brave as the party to come ashore yesterday, so they had waited for the waves to lessen. With her were her four retainers: Pedro, Manuel, Don Quixote and Alejandro [names christened by the party] - Spanish fops. Two had muskets, and they all had rapiers and cuirasses.
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| Contessa Lopez |
Fop Pedro took an immediately liking to the attractive Elrick, and not a moment passed when he wasn't at Elrick's side. Pedro could not speak any English, so he made up for that with helpful grabs, gestures and gropes of endearment. Elrick resisted a while, but then gave in to the constant attention. This wasn't helped when Roma told Contessa to tell Pedro that Elrick was a "true Molly".
Speaking of Roma, when the Spaniards arrived, he sat crouched under the wharf in his usual spot. Here, the lech could peer up through the gaps between the boards (especially where one or two had broken away), and could get a good view up women's skirts as they went down the wharf. He wasn't disappointed when Contessa walked overhead; he caught a glimpse of shapely stockinged-calf, and expensive Spanish bloomers.
Contessa didn't beat about the bush; she wanted to go to Corke. And it was important not to go via sea. Catriona looked at the party.
"A job for you lot, maybe?" she asked.
Thomas, the party leader, took Contessa indoors in the Fallis Inn, to negotiate a suitable fee. She needed to get inside Corke, but she would not say who she wanted to meet there.
"We will discuss zem at a more suitable time. But is urgent, I need to go in Corke."
Thomas settled for the price of three doubloons and ten shots.
They looked at the overland route from Fallis to Corke, directly north. Catriona offered the group Patrick to guide them as the route was all off-road, but Sean was certain that he had this. So he had a wee chat with Pat "just to check".
"You do know," said Patrick. "That you'd first head north following the river Stick, on the east side, mind. Yuh, wouldn't want to wallow through the Ballycinough Slough in the dark..."
"East side ... yes, of course not," said Sean.
"An' then yuh get to place where the Stick branches in two and yuh head up the..."
"east..?"
"... the west branch, and it's a stream now, mind, and yuh come to the spring, where there's the well-house, by the Shallow Hill..."
"Shallow Hill..."
"From there head to the white rock by the Tynsale forest; yuh can see it on a clear day from the hill, unless ..."
"Yes, yes," said Sean impatiently.
"And the rock is the best place to enter the forest else you get stuck at the gorge, if you take the obvious north path. An' that adds another day. Then through the forest, and you know the rest."
"Um, yes," said Sean sagaciously.
Sean presented himself to the group and stated authoritatively: "I know the route. Well."
"So you'll not be needin' Patrick," said Catriona.
"Aye, we won't," said Sean before anyone could interrupt.
But when Contessa heard of the overland route, which involved dirty mud and swamps, and prickly forests, she wasn't very pleased.
"I need wear my riding culottes," she said. "Unseemly."
"Shallots?" asked Roma.
"Culottes, breeches. Like Diane de Poitiers wears. Spanish ladies no ride side-saddle, so we wear culottes to straddle the horse. But zey are not so seemly."
But they came up with a better plan. A cunning plan. So cunning you could shave it and feed it to marmosets and no-one would notice. They would resurrect the TTTT: Thomas's Travelling Troupe of Tempests. The performers' numbers would be swelled by Contessa and her four retainers - their Spanish finery would go down well. The show that they performed for the English sailors and marines (ten days ago) would be a shadow of what they would perform now.
So, Thomas would create a story, a morality play, to tell the story of the failed Spanish Armada juxtaposed onto the 44 AD journey of St Paul from Syrian Antioch to Lystra, through allegory, metaphor, ekphrasis and allusion. It would have tragedy, humour, romance, unrequited love, dramatic irony, bibliomancy and a moral heart, and plenty of circumlocution and periphrasis. Key features:
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| Sean and the greased pig |
- Thomas would orate the whole show, and supply the incidental music with his flageolet.
- Ab Siddy, dressed as Death (scythe and all), would scare the crowd with his hideous visage - made pale with talc.
- Roma found a rotting goat's head in the Fallis midden, and made it into a hand-puppet with movable jaw. This would be the devil, and Roma would speak through it with ventriloquism.
- Contessa would teach Elrick, Sean, and Baron some formal court dances: the lively Galliard, and the stately Courante. As those three all had two left feet [dance skill=Poor], she had her work cut out for her. They would be partnered up with the Spanish fops, and would be the "lady" - a "Molly". Pedro would partner Elrick, Don with Baron and Manuel with Sean (and Contessa with Alejandro). The mollies would borrow Contessa's spare dresses, petticoats and shifts. She had wigs too. And a make-up case as big as the keg. And a ripple-free looking glass.
- Art, Baron and Sean would perform various circus tricks of juggling, crossbow and musketry marksmanship.
- And the finale would be dwarf Sean, in heavy make-up, a lady's shift and wig, riding a greased pig onto stage. Baron had the Clough Caint and thus he could speak pig, and so give it instructions.
But first they needed a travelling performers' wagon.
Tue 10-Jun
Thomas, Baron, Elrick and Sean went to Kinsale to buy a wagon. And some horses.
From Fallis, it was only a few hours walk to Kinsale, so they got there mid morning and went straight to the wainwright. He had a brand new covered wagon available immediately and a second-hand dray. He wanted three pounds for the cart. The dray was 16 shillings. But this dray was a two-wheeler, and it had no cover.
So they negotiated him down to to two pounds ten shillings. He agreed, but only if he could supply the horses - one pound ten for two cart horses; four pounds all up. He'd have them ready the next day. Plus he'd throw in a coat of paint - bright red, with gaudy and garish yellows and oranges.
They stayed the night in the Kinsale Inn.
Wed 11-Jun
Next morning, they went fabric shopping to get material for ribbons, streamers and bows, in the brightest colours available.
Then went to get their new wagon.
Thomas couldn't write, but he did know how to paint TTTT. So "TTTT" was painted, in white, on the outside.
No-one had cart skills and no-one even had riding skills. However, Baron could talk to the cart horses (via the
Clough Caint) so he could walk along side them and tell them where to go. Thomas sat up straight on the seat, like a dandy, loosely holding the reins and pretending to drive.
They met an English patrol. The soldiers were interested to hear about the TTTT, and let them past.
They arrived back in at Fallis around noon, and spent the rest of the tarting up the TTTT Wagon.
The wagon could seat two on the drive seats and six comfortably inside, or eight at a pinch. So all the gear of the party could squeeze in, but, with the Spaniards, some would need to walk.
Thu 12-Jun
They left before dawn, bypassed Kinsale and headed straight to Bandon Bridge - this was the only good road route to Corke.
They met a few English patrols during the day. There were definitely more English around than a few weeks ago. But the patrols regarded them more with interest than as a threat. And nearing Bandon Bridge, the English patrols actually turned around to return to the town with the possibility of a show tonight.
The group arrived at Bandon Bridge. They spoke to Captain Persimmon at the barracks, and he was more than happy to have his men entertained. So he requisitioned them a hall, and they set up for the show. Baron sourced a pig to rent for the evening. The soldiers and camp-followers filled the hall; there must have been over 200.
The show began.
- Thomas was orator and musical accompaniment. His flageolet playing was good, and his melodious voice carried over the assembled crowd.
- Roma played Philip II of Spain with the goat's head devil sitting on his shoulder; the devil could talk via ventriloquism. Philip and his devil's tete-a-tete covered the initial Armada invasion plans and Bay of Biscay storms, then transitioned into St Paul visiting Seleucia and covered the trip to Cyprus and storm: "Ze storm! Ze storm!" shrieked the devil, like Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
- Ab Siddy's Death was a success, as he strode, leering and swiping, with his scythe, among the frightened audience. Ab came out between scenes and was the foil for Thomas's orator.
- Then came Sean. He never managed to get his interpretive dance scene right during practice, and this time was no exception: it was a painful abomination of a dance as he writhed on stage, half-naked, like a pathetic broken break-dancing worm. This interpretive dance represented St Paul preaching the gospel in the Salamis synagogues (Salamis -> salami -> sausage -> worm *rim-shot*), as well as the frustration of Duke Parma unable to get his Spanish army over to England because of Dutch flyboats (flyboat -> fly -> maggot -> worm).
- After this, followed the Dance of the Mollies: Contessa, her four Spanish fops, and Elrick, Baron and Sean again, dressed up as girls, wigs bedecked, and heavy make-up; they shuffled out the Courante dance (interpretive of English Fire-ships) and then staggered the faster Galliard dance (the Battle of Gravelines). The three flat-footed mollies stumbled about contrasted by the Spanish whirling and cavorting with grace, ease and style. This was Thomas's literary coup: the ironic juxtaposition of Spanish gains in impending defeat!
- Elrick and Sean stayed on stage and were joined by Art where they did their shooting and crossbow tricks. Crossbow-shooting an apple between Art's legs represented St Paul fleeing from Pisidian Antioch, and musket-shooting an apple out of Sean's mouth represented the Spanish failure to dead-reckon longitude above Scotland, of course.
- Then Thomas kept the audience entranced with his voice and flageolet, and Ab did some more Death leering.
- This gave Contessa enough time to grease up Sean and to grease the rented pig. Then he mounted it and the pig charged across the stage, egged on by Baron's pig-whispering threats, squealing and shrieking. This, of course, represented the remnants of the Spanish fleet as they were smashed by storms onto Scottish and Irish rocks, and St Paul's crest-fallen arrival to Lystra.
There was complete silence after the show as the audience sat, stunned; you could hear a pin drop - except for the now-hysterical pig, squeals slowly diminishing, as it ran down the road. Then there was thunderous applause, and a standing ovation. Coins, flowers, pieces of fruit, hard-biscuits and candles were tossed on stage.
Afterwards, they counted 46 pennies, and enough candles to light the next show.
Fri 13-Jun
The TTTT had a leisurely day and got to Killerea, halfway to Corke, a couple of hours before dark.
There was a make-shift English barracks here, and only one platoon of soldiers. But the Lieutenant was interested in a show (word had preceded them from the TTTT triumph last night in Bandon Bridge). So they set up, Baron hired a local pig, and the show went ahead.
It was not nearly as good as last night, and if anything could go wrong, it did. Even though Ab's Death was scary, and the musket and crossbow shooting was accurate, Thomas's oratory and flageolet was appalling, Sean's interpretive worm dance was particularly bad, the Dance of the Mollies was a fiasco, and Sean fell off the greased pig.
The audience was not very appreciative and only gave a desultory clap. And a handful of coins were thrown on stage: four pennies.
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| Our Lady of Perpetual Succour |
Sat 14-Jun
They left Killerea late morning and at noon arrive they passed the convent Our Lady of Perpetual Succour.
"Isn't that where Tess was originally headed?"
So they went in, and were greeted by the Mother Superior and ... Tess too.
Hugs all round.
Sean hadn't met Tess, of course, but he'd heard the scandalous stories about her and the Deacon.
"... so the Father got you pregnant?" he asked, looking at her belly.
"Certainly not!" exclaimed Tess.
"Well, Roma said that's why you left."
"No," said Roma peevishly. "I said I
heard the Father got her pregnant. Someone said this."
She glared at Roma.
"Where is the Deacon anyway?" asked Art, changing the subject.
"Oh, he said he was off to Limerick."
Thomas offered to do a matinee performance for the nuns.
When the Mother Superior heard it was a morality play, and when she heard that St Paul was covered, she was more than happy for them to perform.
The convent had a pig sty, so Baron coaxed out a pig. They set up on the grass and all the nuns were seated to watch.
If anything, the show was worse than last night at Killerea. Everything went wrong except the sharp-shooting. Sean fell off the greased pig again. Baron had chosen a bad-tempered one, and it bit Sean.
Tess struggled not to laugh. As did most of the nuns. They enjoyed the violent action, the cumbersome dancing, the puppetry and the pig riding.
But not the Mother Superior. She was incensed. She didn't mince her words, and she didn't suffer from Emperor's-new-clothes syndrome.
"So how exactly does that disgustin' writhin' cross-dressin' dwarf represent Saint Paul?" she asked. "And, in the Good Lord's name, how does ridin' a...a pig have anythin' to do wit' da stonin' in Antioch?"
They looked at the ground sheepishly.
"It's an allegory," said Thomas weakly. "The pig represen..."
"I'll allegory YOU," she snapped, and punched him in the nose.
"We'll not be doin' another matinee performance," said Ab Siddy abruptly.
